Me, A Coward

This incident has been haunting me for more than a month now.

I was in a bus going home from work and generally lost in my own thoughts. As it was quite late, the bus was not crowded. Suddenly I heard someone groaning very loudly. First I thought it something had fallen and did not pay attention to it. But when I turned around, I saw that a man in his 50s was unconscious. He was sitting on a seat and a young chap next to him was trying to revive him. some 4-5 people were trying to help him. Someone was rubbing his chest, others were rubbing his feet etc. Nobody could make out whether he was breathing or not. The bus was in a forest area and could not stop at a hospital/clinic.

I had a bottle of water in my bag and I had this urge to go and splash water on his face or offer it to him to drink. Maybe that would've helped him.

But I did not get up. For some reason, I just sat there and watched all this. I don't think anybody else had any water with them. Else someone would've surely have offered it to him.

I just sat there and after my stop came, I got off the bus. before getting off, I looked behind and the man was sill unconscious. Maybe he was taken to the doctor later. maybe he was OK and nothing serious happened to him.

But what if he was dead? What if he would've been alright if I had offered water to him? Why didn't I just get up and splash some on his face to revive him? It would not have cost me anything. Then why? usually I am quite helpful even to strangers. then why didn't I do it then? am I really a coward but pretend to be otherwise? What if it was one of my family members instead of the man travelling on the bus alone and no one came to his/her help if god forbid something like this ever happened to them?

I just cant seem to shake of this guilt feeling.

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Laughter and Tears

This is what you've made of me-----

Never happy never sad,
No feelings no emotions,
No jealousy, no curiosity,
No laughter, no tears.
Just anger and a lot of bitterness...
Towards you, towards life.
Once upon a time,
Life was not so great,
But me, I was happy,
That's what you always said' you smile and laugh too much'
You never wanted me to be happy did you?
You would be proud of yourself now,
To see what you've made of a 'Bombay girl' like me...
Who neither laughs nor cries....neither for you and nor for anybody else too...

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Leave me alone

Why cant people just leave me alone to lead my life peacefully on my own terms. I know that they are worried about me and want me to be happy. But do they even know what I really want? Or for that matter do I myself know what I want? I just want to go away somewhere and never come back. I know that I sound like a loser when I say this. It is very easy to say that you should always face your problems and try to solve them rather than running away. But that is what I want to do now. I want to be away from everybody. I family, my friends, my job, everything.

Last week I was so happy that I am going on a vacation to Manali in June. Now I feel that I should go on those mountains and never come back. It shall be even better if no one knows where I am. I have become a loner. I hate having people around me, speaking to me, questioning me, telling me whats good for me and whats not, how to lead my life. And I hate it even more when I know that this is not the person that I was.... will I ever be the same again...

This song is fit for my state of mind...

aaina mujse meri paheli si surat mange

mere apne meri hone ki nishani maange

aaina mujse mari paheli si surat mange

mein bhatakata hi raha dard ke viraane mein

wakt likhta raha chere pe har pal ka hishab

meri shohrat meri diwangi ki nazar hui

pi gayi may ki botlein meri geeto ki kitab

aaj lauta hoon to hasne ki ada bhool gaya

yeh sahar bhoola muje mein bhi ishe bhool gaya

mere apne meri hone ki nishani mange

aaina mujse meri paheli surat mange

mera fan phir muje bazaar mein le aaya hai

yeh vo jagah ke jahan mero vafa bikate hain

baap bikate hain aur lakhte jigar bikate hain

kookh bikati hain dil bikate hain sar bikate hain

is badalti hui duniya ka khuda koi nahin

saste daamo pe yahan roz khuda bikate hain

har kharidaar ko bazaar mein bikataa paya

hum kya paayenge kisi ne yahaan kya paayaa

mere ahesas mere phool kahin aur chale

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Buddhism

I have suddenly developed an interest in Buddhism. Well, maybe not suddenly, but I think it started when I travelled to North East some 4 years ago on a vacation. I found the monasteries and the lives that the monks lived very intriguing. Somehow I found the monasteries very peaceful. Maybe it has something to do with the locations. They are situated amidst beautiful mountains, and most of the time they are colourful, surrounded by lovely flags. Its a beautiful sight....you are in you car driving along green/snow clad mountains and at a distance you see this lovely colourful monastery with flags flying high in the wind like an oasis. And the way the chants echo inside.... its just awesome. You have to visit north east at least once to experience all this.

The life style in that re is so different, and there is so much emphasis on education and sports. Even two people end up playing cricket/football/chess/carom. In fact you shall find many people either playing carom/chess on the tracks on the Darjeeling mini train. When they see the train approaching, they shift the carom/chess board till the train passes and resume the game again. Ive seen 5 year old children trekking for miles together to school in the cold weather. And at every street you can see groups of cute monks in their maroon robes... especially the children who have recently joined, look very cute and photogenic...

I hope I can manage a trip to the North East again.... there is still so much I haven't seen...

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Cheats and Liars

The world is full of cheats and liars. People who lie and and cheat and derive some sadist pleasure from making others lives miserable. How I hate and abhor such jerks.

There is this 'friend' of mine who had 'borrowed' money from me when he needed it. Some were genuine reasons, some were not. I was naive enough to trust him and gave it to him. He always promised to return it to me. Its been 4 years now. All this was my hard earned money.Whenever I have asked him for the same, and sometimes in extreme financial need , he always made some excuse about him not having it, and how tough he is finding it to make ends meet. I knew he was lying. When I persisted about it, he always abused me and said how I was making his life miserable and torturing him and behaving like a cheap person.

Me? The person who helped him when I required? How mean can people get. And to think that I cared for him some time ago. Thanks to him, I have stopped trusting anyone and become a racist.

He lives his life in luxury buying the most expensive brands, spends money on discs, bought all kinds of consumer goods, is planning to buy a car and when I ask him for my money he says he does not have any.

All these years I believed him and thought that I should not push him since he really is in need of money. But when I found that all this time he has lied to me, I am tempted to tell his family and his friends what kind of a cheap person he is. When he got an inclination of what I was planning to do, he majorly abused me and called me all kinds of names as if I was the cheater and lier

I still haven't told anyone about what all I'm going through. Yesterday, I was very much inclined to call his family and spill the beans. But somehow I am not able to bring myself to do it.

Should stoop to his level or keep quiet and not tell anybody????? Somebody help me with this.

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