Clarity

Ask and you shall get it. Clarity is what I wanted and clarity is what I got.

The last 15 days or so have been sucha roller coster ride for me emotionally. Happy, sober, sensible, calm, a little mellow, peaceful, thoughtful,wild, but not sad... No. Not at all sad.

Maybe the reason why im not sad is that I now know that everything happens for the best. You may not know it at that time, but when you look back and think of the things and the events that happened, you know that there is someone up there who wants the best for you and shall not let you down.

Friends have played a very important part in my being the person that I am today. I now realise that the ugly events taht happened in my life a few years ago were so that I am a stronger person. My past is the reason why I am such an open and outgoing person now. It has helped me put things in perspective and I am no longer judgemental about people. I am now willing to experiment and not hesitant to try out new things. I dont care about what people think about me as long as I know that I am being true to myself and not hurting anyone. I am now more receptive to ideas and am able to empathise with others. Not that I was a bad person earlier but I was definitely naive and foolish.

And everday I count my blessings for the wonderful friends that I have in my life. Friends without whom I would not have been the person I am today. Friends who have traced me back after 10 years to say that they missed me. Friends who tell me that they like being with me because Im not judgemental and a loving person. Who have trusted me with their secrets. Friends with whom I can be myself and can go for honest advise anytime I want. Friends with whom I go without being in touch for months on end, but when we speak, it is a heart to herat conversation without any pretences. dont know what I would have done without them.

When I was in school, I was a very quiet person, not very popular and never had that 'best friend'. I missed having that special friend at that time because everyone around me seemd to be having one. College was no different cause it was a very different environment from school. It was a culture shock for me and many people dont believe this, but I wanted college to get over as soon as possible.

But after I started woring things changed. I suddenly became more outgoing and now the closest friends that I have are my ex collegues. I have made some amazingly good friends over orkut. I met one over the weekend and we were chatting and laughing for over 4 hours this saturday. The CCD girl almost threw us away. :)

My lovely lovely friends in SGI whom I can trust with my life. Who have played a great role in the last 2 years. Who have moulded me to be the positive person I am today.

My weekends are now packed and booked much in advance. I literally have to juggle time with friends over the weekends. And to think that hoildays were the most depressing days since I usually used to be home alone.

Even my school friends are amazed at the change in me. And the last 3 reunions have been organised by me :).

Yes, nothing feels as good as being appreciated, being told that people missed you. That people genuinely care for you and like you for what you are. It is also a responsibility because then, you also have to learn to care and love them as much as they do. Not that it is difficult but somewhere, you dont want to let them down with your actions.

And I have some good concrete plans about what I want to do in life. I shall not be a drifted from now on but a doer. And I am putting in writing what I want:

- A good job. Not that my current job is bad, in fact its a very good profile. but I am getting complacent now and need a change in my attitude. I want to do something different. And yes, I need the money too :)

- Learn to drive a car and buy one too. I love going on drives. Till now I always thought buying a car was a luxury but I realied that I am never more happier than when I am travelling. I absoluteley love to travel.Yes, I dont mind even the traffic jams if I dont have to recah somewhere on time :)

- Buy my own house in Mumbai.

- Retire by the time I am 45.

- have my own travel related business.

- Learn Bharatnatyam. Yes. I am a lousy dancer with absolutely no grace or poise. But I still want to learn how to dance.

- I want to connect to my SGI friends. Really connect with them and I need to do away with my laziness if I want to achieve that.

I know all the above are very lofty targets. But thats what I want. I really really want and I know that I can achieve all of this and more. Much much more. My life is not anymore dependant on someone elses approval but I am dependant only on myself now.

And yes. I am in love. In love with life now. In love with myself. In love with the person I have become. Love they way I have struggled to stand up and be myself, all over again.

Read more...

HMMM

Long time Iv been here. I miss this place. Was caught up in loads of work in office and no time at all. So, what have I been upto? Heres what:

- One weeknd with family in Srivardhan
- Next weekend with friends on a trek to Tionagadh
- Next weekend with friends on a drive to Lonavala
- Next weekend lunch party with friends followed h a outing to a pub (my first time)... I danced on the dance floor without any inhibitions (yippeee)
- Have been house hunting desperately as my home is going to be redeveloped next month and I need a place to stay... very difficult to find the right house in Mumbai
- Passsed by the first guy that I fell in love with last week, Ive got over him a long time ago, but this entire week there was this goofy smile on my face just thining about the old old times... he is such a good and decent human being... guess i shall always be a tiny weeny bit in love with him for ever :)

And the best (or the worst part), Im in love... yes I am... I denyed it, refused to believe it, but thats the truth and well.. nothing can be done about it...

Read more...

Courage

Need courage...

Courage to speak up against something which is so obviously wrong. Need to set things right once and for all.

Need to face my demons, only then can I truly move on in life. Just becaue Ive swept them under the carpet does not mean that they have disappeared.

But Im scared. This is the only thing that Im scared of. Not because Im wrong but because of the bitterness and the misery that shall engulf me if I have the courage to speak up.

Courage, wisdom and clarity... things that I need most at this point in time..

Read more...

Realisation

Ok... All men are the same (atleast the ones Ive met)...

But he was honest from the beginning about his feelings... so no bitterness, no issues. I made a good friend, spent some beautiful moments with him, he made me happy for the time that he was with me.

Love you in a special way... :)

Read more...

Last Few Days

- Work life is busy. Added responsibilities. Which is a good thing since many people seem to have that kind of confidence in me. Makes me slightly nervous. Hope I can live up to their expectations. The next few weeks shall be very hectic. Nice. Since I had become very lazy.

- Ran the marathon last Sunday. The dream run. Great experience. Amazing how total strangers irrespective of class, creed, race, religion,colour, gender, come out to cheer others. There were live bands, music, and a general carnival atmosphere. Plan to run the half marathon next year. have to train for it though. Would be fun to run on the Bandra Worli sea link.

- Met friends the week before. It was an overnight thing. My trekking group. And we were laughing non stop for 5 hours. Drank a lot. Went out for street side coffee at 330 in the morning. Did not sleep the entire night, sang songs, danced, opened champagne and had a fabulous time. Having such good friends is such a blessing.

- Saw a play yesterday at Prithvi. "Sex, Morality and Censorship". It was about censorship in art. Specifically in theatre. Awesome play. Must watch. Amazing scripting, great acting and fabulous everything... It was an eyeopener for me. It was based on a Marathi play and the furore it created in the 70's. I am a Maharashtrian and its a pity that I know so little about my own culture.

- After the play went out for dinner with a friend and her date. The date found me more interesting than her, made it very obvious, she too noticed it. I did not like the feeling and felt like an intruder. Tried to be rude to him and act uninteresting. He has sent me a friend request on FB. I think I shall ignore it. Makes me think, "Why does it always happen that the wrong types fall for me and I manage to drive the interesting ones away?"

- And among all the above activities , I missed him terribly. Could not (cant) get him out of my mind. It did not help that we had an argument and are not in touch since the last 3 weeks or so. I so so wanted him to be with me when I was doing all the above things. But I know that it was not my fault in whatever happened and I just spoke my mind. Too bad that he does not seem to think so. Should I initiate a conversation again? But I have taken efforts and he does not seem to want to reciprocate. I have to be strong.

- Am going for a trip to Alibaug in a couple of weeks. Looking forward to that. Should be fun.

My social life is quite busy which is a really good thing. But there is something missing. Wish that something could be fixed magically . *sigh*.

Read more...

Is it Love?

He insists that I am in love with him.

I say I am not.

Yes, I do care about him.

Yes, I do think about him a lot. In fact I think about him all the time.

Yes, I am fond of him.

But no, I don’t think I am in love.

He does not seem convinced.

Which makes me think: Am I really in love with him?

Which also makes me think: Is he in love with me? I am scared to ask him that. What if the answer is yes?

Read more...