A Break In The Clouds

Changes

2011-12-28T08:32:00.001-08:00

" As the hour of departure arrives, we both go our ways. Me to live, you to die. Which path is better, God only knows".

It is not always that you read something which changes that way you think and gives a new perspective to life.

What is happening to me is surreal. It was by chance that I read a book on the Mahabharata. It caught my attention and I started reading other articles and books. How foolish was I to believe that ancient books are only about God and religion when they are actually about how you have to lead your life. How each person has his/own unique path. How nothing is a coincidence and we are just a minscule particle in the larger context of things.

It has changed me. Become more calmer and peaceful. But it has also opened new floodgates. New windows and questions on what I really want. What my purpose is in life. And I hope I find the answers. I want the quest to be over. If it does not, I am afraid of going back to my mundane existance as earlier and that is a very scary idea.

Rains

2011-06-05T08:58:00.000-07:00

Spent the last three days alone at home... and loved it. Was so peaceful. Will miss this peace and quiet. No wonder I desperately need to start living alone. Start to have a life of my own.

First rains in Mumbai and loving every moment of it. First rains in my own house. Would have loved to have someone share it with me but still happy . First rains always make me feel happy...as if there is a new beginning. Everything is nice and clean again.

Spent time with friends. Met new people. Came home late. Really late. Slept late. Spent time alone. Knew what I want.

Had planned something. Did not work out. But still happy. Know that I can be happy with myself and dont need anybody to make me happy.

Yes. Rains I think bring out the serenity in me.

Nice

2011-01-03T00:26:00.000-08:00

And What a year it has been... Great would be an understatement...And what did i do this year??

- Danced with a total stranger on the dance floor without any inhibitions for the first time in my life...
- Got a promotion
- Headed my unit in office
- fell in love
- Made some great friends
- and finally... bought my own house in Mumbai... Yes... did it finally....

And the next year shall be even better than the last...

Clarity

2010-09-21T10:40:00.000-07:00

Ask and you shall get it. Clarity is what I wanted and clarity is what I got.

The last 15 days or so have been sucha roller coster ride for me emotionally. Happy, sober, sensible, calm, a little mellow, peaceful, thoughtful,wild, but not sad... No. Not at all sad.

Maybe the reason why im not sad is that I now know that everything happens for the best. You may not know it at that time, but when you look back and think of the things and the events that happened, you know that there is someone up there who wants the best for you and shall not let you down.

Friends have played a very important part in my being the person that I am today. I now realise that the ugly events taht happened in my life a few years ago were so that I am a stronger person. My past is the reason why I am such an open and outgoing person now. It has helped me put things in perspective and I am no longer judgemental about people. I am now willing to experiment and not hesitant to try out new things. I dont care about what people think about me as long as I know that I am being true to myself and not hurting anyone. I am now more receptive to ideas and am able to empathise with others. Not that I was a bad person earlier but I was definitely naive and foolish.

And everday I count my blessings for the wonderful friends that I have in my life. Friends without whom I would not have been the person I am today. Friends who have traced me back after 10 years to say that they missed me. Friends who tell me that they like being with me because Im not judgemental and a loving person. Who have trusted me with their secrets. Friends with whom I can be myself and can go for honest advise anytime I want. Friends with whom I go without being in touch for months on end, but when we speak, it is a heart to herat conversation without any pretences. dont know what I would have done without them.

When I was in school, I was a very quiet person, not very popular and never had that 'best friend'. I missed having that special friend at that time because everyone around me seemd to be having one. College was no different cause it was a very different environment from school. It was a culture shock for me and many people dont believe this, but I wanted college to get over as soon as possible.

But after I started woring things changed. I suddenly became more outgoing and now the closest friends that I have are my ex collegues. I have made some amazingly good friends over orkut. I met one over the weekend and we were chatting and laughing for over 4 hours this saturday. The CCD girl almost threw us away. :)

My lovely lovely friends in SGI whom I can trust with my life. Who have played a great role in the last 2 years. Who have moulded me to be the positive person I am today.

My weekends are now packed and booked much in advance. I literally have to juggle time with friends over the weekends. And to think that hoildays were the most depressing days since I usually used to be home alone.

Even my school friends are amazed at the change in me. And the last 3 reunions have been organised by me :).

Yes, nothing feels as good as being appreciated, being told that people missed you. That people genuinely care for you and like you for what you are. It is also a responsibility because then, you also have to learn to care and love them as much as they do. Not that it is difficult but somewhere, you dont want to let them down with your actions.

And I have some good concrete plans about what I want to do in life. I shall not be a drifted from now on but a doer. And I am putting in writing what I want:

- A good job. Not that my current job is bad, in fact its a very good profile. but I am getting complacent now and need a change in my attitude. I want to do something different. And yes, I need the money too :)

- Learn to drive a car and buy one too. I love going on drives. Till now I always thought buying a car was a luxury but I realied that I am never more happier than when I am travelling. I absoluteley love to travel.Yes, I dont mind even the traffic jams if I dont have to recah somewhere on time :)

- Buy my own house in Mumbai.

- Retire by the time I am 45.

- have my own travel related business.

- Learn Bharatnatyam. Yes. I am a lousy dancer with absolutely no grace or poise. But I still want to learn how to dance.

- I want to connect to my SGI friends. Really connect with them and I need to do away with my laziness if I want to achieve that.

I know all the above are very lofty targets. But thats what I want. I really really want and I know that I can achieve all of this and more. Much much more. My life is not anymore dependant on someone elses approval but I am dependant only on myself now.

And yes. I am in love. In love with life now. In love with myself. In love with the person I have become. Love they way I have struggled to stand up and be myself, all over again.

HMMM

2010-07-17T09:06:00.000-07:00

Long time Iv been here. I miss this place. Was caught up in loads of work in office and no time at all. So, what have I been upto? Heres what:

- One weeknd with family in Srivardhan
- Next weekend with friends on a trek to Tionagadh
- Next weekend with friends on a drive to Lonavala
- Next weekend lunch party with friends followed h a outing to a pub (my first time)... I danced on the dance floor without any inhibitions (yippeee)
- Have been house hunting desperately as my home is going to be redeveloped next month and I need a place to stay... very difficult to find the right house in Mumbai
- Passsed by the first guy that I fell in love with last week, Ive got over him a long time ago, but this entire week there was this goofy smile on my face just thining about the old old times... he is such a good and decent human being... guess i shall always be a tiny weeny bit in love with him for ever :)

And the best (or the worst part), Im in love... yes I am... I denyed it, refused to believe it, but thats the truth and well.. nothing can be done about it...

Courage

2010-04-19T09:21:00.000-07:00

Need courage...

Courage to speak up against something which is so obviously wrong. Need to set things right once and for all.

Need to face my demons, only then can I truly move on in life. Just becaue Ive swept them under the carpet does not mean that they have disappeared.

But Im scared. This is the only thing that Im scared of. Not because Im wrong but because of the bitterness and the misery that shall engulf me if I have the courage to speak up.

Courage, wisdom and clarity... things that I need most at this point in time..

Realisation

2010-03-03T20:19:00.000-08:00

Ok... All men are the same (atleast the ones Ive met)...

But he was honest from the beginning about his feelings... so no bitterness, no issues. I made a good friend, spent some beautiful moments with him, he made me happy for the time that he was with me.

Love you in a special way... :)

Last Few Days

2010-01-24T03:55:00.000-08:00

- Work life is busy. Added responsibilities. Which is a good thing since many people seem to have that kind of confidence in me. Makes me slightly nervous. Hope I can live up to their expectations. The next few weeks shall be very hectic. Nice. Since I had become very lazy.

- Ran the marathon last Sunday. The dream run. Great experience. Amazing how total strangers irrespective of class, creed, race, religion,colour, gender, come out to cheer others. There were live bands, music, and a general carnival atmosphere. Plan to run the half marathon next year. have to train for it though. Would be fun to run on the Bandra Worli sea link.

- Met friends the week before. It was an overnight thing. My trekking group. And we were laughing non stop for 5 hours. Drank a lot. Went out for street side coffee at 330 in the morning. Did not sleep the entire night, sang songs, danced, opened champagne and had a fabulous time. Having such good friends is such a blessing.

- Saw a play yesterday at Prithvi. "Sex, Morality and Censorship". It was about censorship in art. Specifically in theatre. Awesome play. Must watch. Amazing scripting, great acting and fabulous everything... It was an eyeopener for me. It was based on a Marathi play and the furore it created in the 70's. I am a Maharashtrian and its a pity that I know so little about my own culture.

- After the play went out for dinner with a friend and her date. The date found me more interesting than her, made it very obvious, she too noticed it. I did not like the feeling and felt like an intruder. Tried to be rude to him and act uninteresting. He has sent me a friend request on FB. I think I shall ignore it. Makes me think, "Why does it always happen that the wrong types fall for me and I manage to drive the interesting ones away?"

- And among all the above activities , I missed him terribly. Could not (cant) get him out of my mind. It did not help that we had an argument and are not in touch since the last 3 weeks or so. I so so wanted him to be with me when I was doing all the above things. But I know that it was not my fault in whatever happened and I just spoke my mind. Too bad that he does not seem to think so. Should I initiate a conversation again? But I have taken efforts and he does not seem to want to reciprocate. I have to be strong.

- Am going for a trip to Alibaug in a couple of weeks. Looking forward to that. Should be fun.

My social life is quite busy which is a really good thing. But there is something missing. Wish that something could be fixed magically . *sigh*.

Is it Love?

2010-01-03T20:46:00.001-08:00

He insists that I am in love with him.

I say I am not.

Yes, I do care about him.

Yes, I do think about him a lot. In fact I think about him all the time.

Yes, I am fond of him.

But no, I don’t think I am in love.

He does not seem convinced.

Which makes me think: Am I really in love with him?

Which also makes me think: Is he in love with me? I am scared to ask him that. What if the answer is yes?

Someone Special

2009-12-21T23:08:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it so happens that someone comes into our life suddenly. That person brings us joy and happiness and makes us feel special. Life suddenly becomes beautiful. One such person came in my life 2 months ago.

We had stayed in the same society for almost 25 years, grew up together, went to the same school, but as we were not in the same age group, we had a different set of friends and never really knew anything about each other except each others’ names. In the so many years that we knew each other, wehave hardly spoken 5 sentences to other than the occasional ‘Hi’.

Then some 3 years ago I changed houses and went to live in a different part of the city for 6 months. I again changed my house and came to stay in the same locality. Somewhere along the way, orkut happened and we managed to find each other. We chatted on and off and generally knew more than each others names like where we worked, what our mutual friends were doing etc. The chat was not a regular feature and we managed to catch each other online pretty infrequently say about once in 3-4 months. We had exchanged cell numbers and did (or rather he) send general forwarded jokes. Sometimes I replied, sometimes I did not. We did not think much about this.

Then 2 months ago, we exchanged messages. Nothing out of the ordinary, but as we messagaed, we realized that we were actually having a conversation and both of us ended speaking to each other as if we were long lost friends and we realized that we haven’t spoken so much in the years that we ‘knew’ each other as much as we had shared in the 2 hours that we were chatting. We were telling each other about our feelings in our past relationships which both of us had not shared with anyone.

This became a regular feature since that day when no matter how late we come home, we sms each other other and have a conversations. Sometimes it’s a meaningful conversation and sometimes we end up just flirting. Most often than not we end up chatting about nothing rather that something. These sms chats last late into the night . Im sleeping for just about 5 hours daily. This coming from me, who used to get irritated even if slept for ½ hour less.

We don’t have anything in common with each other. I love books. He hates books. I love romantic movies, he loves action. Im shy and an introvert. He cannot do without people around him. Hes the leader, im the follower. Hes outspoken, Im reserved. Hes flamboyant, I’m the exact opposite. They only thing that we have in common is our love for a particular type of Bengali sweet. But in some strange way we still seem to have connected.

For the first time, Ive found someone who cares for me. Who makes me laugh. Who says something silly and then messages me saying 'smile like this always'. Who asks me how my day was. Who wants me to share even the most mundane thing of my life and gives me a patient hearing. Who understands what I mean without being judgmental. Who can tell if Im upset just by the way I send my messages. And who bothers to ask what is wrong. Who gives me my space, who tells me that its perfectly ok if I don’t want to tell him something, who pestered me and bullied me to visit the doc when I was not well. Who actually told me that he’ll come with me to give me company at the doctor’s when I said that I don’t have the patience to wait at the clinic.

He is not perfect though. He has a major ego problem. He’s told me that himself. He insisted me to go to the doc, but totally ignored his health for a good three days before he took medicines. He is very stubborn and does not listen to anyone even if they beg and plead.

Inspite of all this, he’s special. I too have started caring for him. I haven’t felt this way about someone in a long, a really long time now. We have had our arguments and fights and making up after the fights too in the last couple of months.

And all this has happened only over smses. We have spoken to each other only 4 times in the last 2 months. Twice was for professional reasons and twice was because he wanted to inform me that his messaging service is not working. Inspite of working in the same area and living about ½ a kilometer from each other we have still not met. Not even accidentally bumped into each other.

And now I think its time to end it. Not because we don’t want to take this ahead but there shall not be a logical conclusion to this. I don’t want to get carried away and lose even the beautiful time that we shared together. It was good while it lasted and I think the time has come for me to wane myself from him. He was the warm sunshine that came into my life on a winter morning and I want to remember him the same way.

There is this line from my favourite movie- ‘You’ve Got Mail’- ‘We have usually spoken mostly about nothing rather than something. But all these nothings have meant more, much more for me that so many somethings.’. Take care and happiness always. You shall always be special.

Trust

2009-12-08T02:39:00.000-08:00

Trust. Its so diffult to gain and once broken cannot be ragained no matter what. And when the person who breaks your trust happens to be a friend whom you thought was close to you, you really dont know how to react.

It happened to me a couple of days ago. I had told something to a friend of mine about another friend. She did something which I never thought she shall do. She told this to his ex GF which messed up life for both of them.

It was not expected of her. This happened two years ago and I was totally anaware of this. The friend thought I had betrayed his trust which was true to an extent.

I am shocked and shaken on realising that someone whom I trusted could do such a thing. And for what? Just to ruin a relationship among a couple who were together for sometime and now moved on? What would she have gained in all this? Very difficult for me to fathom. Been disturbed since the last couple of days because of this.

And going by this, she would also be spreading all kind of mean and nasty things about me to others... I really dont know what to think. And to think that after a long time I had actually started trusting people. I absolutely hate lies and I seem to attract liers to me...

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I learnt a few things about me:

- Guys think I am intelligent and they find intelligent women intimidating.

- They think that Im nice and sweet and friendly etc but also unapproachable. Dont know what to make of this :-)

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Am I supressing all my feelings? Am I putting on a mask of being happy when I really not? Questions,questions and more questions.

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Choices

2009-11-19T23:34:00.000-08:00

I am facing a dilemma... I have to make a choice about something and I dont know what decision to take. Even if I take a decision, I dont know weather it shall be right or wrong.

I have been in such a situation before and all the times I have ended up taking the wrong decisions which have changed my life forever.

I dont want to go through that again. But however much I think about it, the more confused I get. If ony i get a sign... a sign which helps me take the right decision for once.

I was happy, very happy a couple of days ago and now, Im not so sure about anything.

Someone help me... why cant things be simple and life less uncomplicated *sigh*...

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2009-10-22T10:56:00.000-07:00

--Ive started thinking about mortality a lot nowadays... not mine but my loved ones and the thought of that is very very scary. We all know that we have t die someday but still...

--I guess for the first time spent diwali away from Mumbai. Went to Panchgani and Pune and had a great time...Fell in love with Panchgani all over again.

--everyone, weather they are rich or poor, good or bad are all given 24 hours in a day. What they make of those 24 hours depends on them. So it is pointless cribbing about how lucky some people are... and how life in unfair. We all get chances and opportunities at some point of time. Its just that most of us are too blind/dumb at that point to think, really think about what they mean to us.

--- I have learnt that you cannot depend on anyone for emotional, physical,financial support. At the end of the day, you have to take care of ourselves. Yes, friends an family is there, but they can just listen to you an give you advice. But you have to fight your own battles. and yes, it does definitely get very very lonely at times...

-- There is this calmness about me. Dont know weather its good or bad. ont know weather Im happy being myself or that Ive just given up an have adjusted with the situation.

---Small things can make you happy. Like random strangers smiling at you because you happened to take the same bus in the morning and suddenly met in the evening again.

--- There is this bus Im taking to office nowadays. The conductor and the driver and are very sweet and take good care of the passengers inspite of the bus being overloaded. They make it a point to have a good word to say and chat up with the regular commuters. Its peps up everyone and the mornings are pleasant with lots of smiling faces around inspite of the mad rush and the terrible Mumbai heat...

--- 2009 is almost coming to a close an nothing, nothing special / noteworthy has happened this year till now. So far, its been the most boring year for me.

--- I want something major and nice to happen in my life.... but it seems as if Ive been waiting forever for that something to happen....

Im Busy

2009-10-06T03:28:00.000-07:00

Ive been away from here for a very long time... I do read blogs but no time to comment and write new blogs...

My personal life is suddenly busy with most of the weekends literally booked in advance doing one activity or the other. And Im loving all of this.

Saw Wake Up Sid a couple of days ago and it is a must watch movie. I could relate to that movie in so many ways especially the way Ranbir's character is trying to study Financial Accounts. Dreaded that subject in college and during my TYBCOM exams, it was the first time in my life after giving an exam, I cried. It was that awful. Luckily I manged to pass it. Ranbir has really acted well. Rahul Khanna looks absolutey dishy.... Had a major crush on him during my college days when he used to be a VJ on MTV...He looks sos sos so good.. Konkana as usual is a talented actress. Would love to see her in a light herated comedy movie sometime.

Had been on a trek a couple of months ago and am writing (trying) to write a travelogue... Shall publish it as soon as Im done. (Dosent help that Ive written just a paragraph since the last month)...

Random Thoughts

2009-08-01T00:37:00.000-07:00

- Like why do I behave the way I do? I do want to someone nice and decent ... but that shall not be possible if I find everybody boring. Can I? Like yesterday, I got a call from this guy, we were talking for quite sometime- an hour actually and I still could not feel the spark in the conversation. I was replying to all his questions, was not rude, was listening to him, but was still bored. I just did not know how to end the conversation because if I abruptly ended it, it would seem rude and I did not want to be rude. He was a nice enough guy but I somehow don't want to have any further communication with him.. I guess he shall want to meet me but I don't want that. I always find it difficult to say no to anyone. How do I get out of the situation?

- Like where do people go when they want to cry without others noticing them? I cant do that at home because there are other around and other times I am in office. So what I do is I use the office washroom. And the best part is that since neither my eyes nor my nose are red due to the tears, no one notices.

- Like I sometimes feel that looking for a partner is such a waste of time and energy... You get random calls from people, the same conversation and then the dead ends... I mean is it so difficult to find someone interesting or is there a problem with me? The guys for some reason don't find me boring even if I am not showing interest or just listening to them. For some reason they think that I'm interesting/brainy. And then I don't know how to avoid taking their calls...

- Like I don't know where my life is heading.... everything is at a standstill.

- Like whatever happened to courtesy?

- Like men are such difficult people to understand? Why cant they just be themselves and not pretend to be what they are not and complicate matter for all involved?

- Like why am I not excited even though I'm going on a long awaited trek in a couple of weeks?

- Like where has all the enthusiasm and energy gone out of my life?

-Like why am I become so cynical and suspicious of everything and everyone around me?

- Like why cant I ever ever manage to have proper paragraphs/spacing in my posts? Whatever I do, I can never manage to have paragraphs... The entire thing looks so cluttered.

Weird things about me...

2009-07-27T10:18:00.000-07:00

Yogesh has tagged me... This is the first time that someone has tagged me and I hope I do it the proper way... I'm supposed to write 7 weird things about me... So here goes..

1. I can day dream for the entire day... I have a very wild imagination and my favourite activity is to hold a book/newspaper in front of me and dream away to glory... I can sit for hours together and even do the same in office in front of the PC :)

2. I have the habit of speaking to myself.... I don't notice it but sometimes my colleagues just stare at me and say 'Why are you speaking to yourself/smiling to yourself?' . I guess I do the same while walking on the road alone because many (most) of the times I suddenly see people staring at me and giving me weird looks.

3. I am not a bit scared of watching horror movies... In fact I am quite amused at the imagination of the director./the scriptwriter... I feel funny when people say that they are scared of these silly movies...

4. I can walk for hours together especially when I am alone... I feel its irritating to have company when I walk even if its from the station to my house. I never understood this thing about having company while walking. I love to walk lost in my own thoughts...

5. I am a loner and like to travel alone. I don't like company when I am travelling and I find it very irritating to play antakshari when on a picnic/trip... I don't mind if the others do it, but I don't like to be dragged into it... I just enjoy to look out of the window and appreciate the scenery. And I also fight for the window seat... never mind if its a kid that I'm fighting with...

6. When at a party or a social event, I don't like to be anywhere near the singing/dancing/games events... Id rather sit somewhere behind and play with the kids or people watch . And yes I absolutely hate to make small talk and chit chat especially at weddings... I fact I even find weddings extremely boring..

7. If I want to avoid talking to certain people/ want them to ignore me, i play dumb... They lose interest after sometime and I am happy without being rude to them...

I am sure after reading that above, I shall be officially branded what most people think I am.. ' boring and khadoos'... but that's the way I like it :-)

I have been absolutely honest here and I hope I have done justice to this tag

Terrible Week

2009-07-13T00:02:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought nothing effects me and I have become immune to all feelings something happens which shakes me up...

This happened on Friday. I was walking back home from a fancy shopping mall, having bought some totally unnecessary cosmetics, a Rs. 400/- scratch guard for my newly acquired fancy cell, saving the same cell from the rains by keeping it in a plastic bag and still worrying weather the rain drops shall get into it...

It had stopped raining and I was near a traffic signal. Suddenly I spot this shall young girl, around 3 years old, sitting near a shop door. The shutter of the shop was down and the child was sitting with a very sad a morose expression on her face. The expression on her face was as if she had lost all hope in life and she was all very tired of everything... She looked like an urchin but a pretty clean one... It almost seemed as if she had run away from her house and had nowhere to stay. Her clothes were quite clean. There were a few plastic bags near her which seemed the only belongings that she had.

The next thing that I saw almost broke my heart... Next to her, there was another girl around 4 years old, her thin nylon salwar drenched in rain water, a thin dupatta covering her head sleeping with her face towards the shutter. She was probably not well and shivering with the cold. She was so tiny and her legs pulled tightly towards her chest that I would have easily missed her. She was lying on a a small stone on the pavement.

I asked the younger girl where her mother was and she generally pointed in the direction of the road... I asked the shopkeepers around and everybody looked at them as if they were seeing the two children for the first time. One of the told me that these are the part of the group that beg on the signal nearby and their mother would also be somewhere around...

I asked the child weather she was hungry and she just nodded. The only thing that I could do was to buy two packets of biscuits and give it to the girl with the hope that she eats them and the mother does not sell it of... How I wish I could have taken both the girls home, given them a proper meal and some warm clothes... I really felt ashamed to be carrying such a expensive phone around and worrying about totally frivolous matters...

I love Bombay and the people in this city but when I see incidents like this and the way we treat our children, I feel that somewhere we have failed miserably....There are so many such children living like this and most often that not, we are so engrossed in our daily routines that we turn a blind eye to them...

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Last week was generally very depressing... Im not able to find a house that I want and my best friend's marriage is breaking... The second is a shocker.... I never never thought that there was something wrong in their relationship... They were my ideal couple... I still cant get over it...

Happy

2009-06-28T21:04:00.000-07:00

And I'm happy happy happy......I'm not having any expectations out of anything, I'm just taking things as they come.... :) Touchwood....

Love

2009-06-05T23:58:00.000-07:00

And I really really really want to fall in love...

Love someone hopelessly, totally, completely...

And I want to that to happen now.....

Just another girl....

2009-05-26T08:06:00.000-07:00

Alone and very very lonely...
Yes, there are people around me.
Yes I do laugh and cry,
Yes, I joke and fool around,
I do the things that I'm suppossed to do,
I look like a person who is unbreakable,
That I can manage everything perfectly
That I dont need anyone to make me feel complete
That I am my own person.
That I am capable of taking my own decisions
That I am calm and composed when things are falling apart around me
I know that I am all of the above and lot more...

But I also know that somewhere I am also a girl
Who likes to be pampered, who likes to be sometimes taken care of,
Who just want to be free and be herself, who does not always have to be right,
Who needs atention even though I may never show it,
Who needs to share the small joys of life
Who sometimes wants a shoulder to cry on,

A girl who is at times scared and very very alone and lonely
Yes, I am all this and more... because after all Im just a girl....
alone and very very lonely

I want to write a poem

2009-05-26T07:57:00.000-07:00

I want to write, write a poem.
A poem on love, a poem on hope,
a poem on passion, on life
and life after love,
of love which is so complete
where there are no expectations,
where there are smiles and laughter
where there are tears,
where there is pleasure in tears
where there is a feeling of completeness
where you are no more alone
but the perfect words dont seem to flow
to complete the perfect world of love and fulfillment....

(I know that this poem is utter nonsense... but this is what i felt,the words just flowed and the this seems to make perfect sense to me)

Crossroads...

2009-05-15T02:49:00.000-07:00

Why do even the simple things in life be so difficult to achieve. You do everything th
at you are supposed to do, and then luck/ destiny and the other crap happens. In the end everything is about luck… doesn’t hard work have any role to play?

People always say that you should have a positive attitude towards life and positive things happen to you. But why is it that whenever I try to think positive, everything just falls apart and things get more messed up? Then the cycle of negativity and depression starts all over again…

I am a very independent person and too proud to ask anyone for help… but for the first time in my life I want someone to take all my decisions for me and tell me exactly what to do. Do miracles really happen???

Me

2009-04-20T01:57:00.000-07:00

This is me... snap was taken just for the fun of it... a little makeup and good camera can really do wonders :)

March

2009-04-01T04:09:00.000-07:00

- March happens to be my favourite month of the year. It is quite hot in Bombay this time of the year but it is also spring time and the trees start sprouting new leaves.... beautiful , tender leaves in varying shades of green. Yes, even in Bombay if you see carefully, you shall notice this...(an auto hit me a couple of days ago because I was happily looking up at some tree and did not notice where I was going). There are a variety of birds who suddenly seem to have come from nowhere and merrily chirp throughout the day. These birds come in various colours. There are parrots and cuckoos and a variety of sparrows. My favourite happens to be a bird which has a red beak, has atleast three shades of green on its wings, has yellow colour under the wings, black colour under its beak. And of course it is always fun to try to locate the cuckoo from the general direction of the noise that it maked untiring throughout the day.

- I also love March for the exam season. It a trip down memory lane when you see groups of students sincerely going through their books for last minute preparation. How I wish I was a student all over again....

- I am totally absolutely in love with Bombay. Yes, I know it is not a perfect city to live in. It has its own share of problems but I love it inspite of the crowds (or rather because of the crowds), the traffic jams, the forever dug roads, the slums and the garbage heaps. But there are also the beautiful buildings, the old chawls, the lovely trees, the trains, the BEST buses, the roads and most importantly the people. The people and their attitude is what makes or breaks a city and Bombay is special to me precisely for this reason. There is this energy in this city which I have yet to experience in the other places that I have visited...

- It was our new year last week . And for the first time since I was in school I have made a new year resolution. A very very sincere and heartfelt resolution. I have decided to be happy. I have decided that I have wasted too mant years thinking about things which I could have done/not done and in the process am ruining my present. I dont want to waste some more precious years thinking about people and things which should ideally be inconsequential to my life. I deserve better in life because I am a nice person and there is no reason to be surprised if I am getting the attention that I deserve. I have been sad all these years and I have got nothing in return but sadness so I shall be happy and see if I get happiness in return . No use mopping around for such a long time and basically now I am tired to being so sad... Its my life and I shall do everything that I can to change it...Sad faces are well... pretty sad....As they say, change your attitude, change your life...

- And to compliment my change in attitude, I shall soon have a new nice colourful template....

What do You Do When

2009-03-18T08:43:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you have the urge to scream? Scream your lungs out ?

What do you do when you get up in the mornings everyday and realise what a mess you have made of your life? Life, one third of which is already over.

What do you do when you want to cry, but the tears just wont come?

What do you do when you are left with no emotions?

What do you do when you mind is screaming at the anguish and the hopelessness of the situation even while you are in the middle of an ordinary conversation?

What do you do when you want to quit everything and just take off somewhere where no one knows you?

What do you do when nothing around you effects you anymore? Neither happiness or sadness?

What do you do when you have those fake conversations and the smiles and the laughter when inside you are crying out in pain?

What do you do when you realise that you have made a mess of not just your own life but also of the people who love and care for you?

What do you do when you stop loving and caring for the same people?

What do you do when you realise that you have failed, failed miserably in every aspect of your life?

What do you do when you undo the last decade of you life but know that it is not possible?

What do you do when you know that you are a nice person but no one has ever loved you the way you wanted them to?

What do you do when you know that no matter what do do, the situation does not seem to change?

What do you do when you tel people that you are fine but you know that you are not... because it still hurts. Hurts so much that you know that you shall suffocate because of the pain that you yourself don't realise that exists.

What do you do when you want someone to wave a magic wand to make things better... just a little better?

What do you do when you are hanging by a nail on a cliff to save your life... but at some point you know that you shall not have the strength to fight anymore and give in to the temptation of falling in the deep ravine and ending it for ever?

What do you do when you want to die, but are not quite ready for death as yet?

People in My Life

2009-03-15T05:47:00.000-07:00

Bombay teaches you many lessons in customer service and professionalism that no other city in India can. And this even before the so called over hyped customer service nos. and call centres came into existence. I am speaking about the innumerable 'waals' around us . Our doodhwaals, paperwaala, bhaajiwala, khariwala etc. We take these people for granted. Today I shall try to mention these waals who have brought joy into my life since I was a kid...

1. The Bhaajiwala: There are a couple of these. One is from Kerala and the other from UP. The one from UP. These two have been coming to my society since the time I can remember to deliver vegetables. The one from UP has become slightly old now. But I see him often carrying the vegetable on his head walking from the station in the mornings (probably getting them from dadar market) going for delivery to various homes. I don't know anything else about him. But he is a part of my childhood who used to haggle with my mother (or is it the other way round?) about the price of the vegetables.

2. The paperwalla: The one who used to deliver paper to my doorstep early in the morning between 630-7 am without fail everyday come rain or shine. I think he was my age. He used to deliver the papers in the morning and then rush off to school. During the rains, he used to get wet himself, but covered the papers with a plastic sheet so that they remain intact. He stopped delivering papers a few years ago. He now has his own auto and I hope is is now financially well off.

3. The dhobi: This is a family which used to collect clothes to iron from us and deliver them the next day. The Father passed away a few years ago...He was very old. Now the Son comes to our house for the clothes. The father used to have chats with my mother and tell her the stories about how his son refuses to collect clothes and how he has to go from house to house to do that. This inspite of the fact that he was so old.

4. The sandwichwalla: He sells sandwiches on the road opposite my building and has been there since I was in the 4th standard. He makes the best vegetable sandwiches in the whole of Bombay. He and his 2 sons help him. He stands there from 5 in the evening till 1 in the morning making them. He has become slightly old and the speed with which he cuts the vegetables have slightly reduced. And he still calls me baby. Makes me very happy :)

5. The kahriwalla: He delivers fresh khari, toast and nankhatai to my doorstep every Sunday. Since we have shifted from our earlier house, we had lost touch with him for a year. But one day he met my father and was very pleased to know where we stay. He has again started coming to our house on Sunday. He carries a big aluminium trunk on his head and goes around the locality.

These and many other people have defied the concept of service. They have not done any management courses. Most of them I guess are barely literate. But the customer service and satisfaction that they provide cannot be measured. We don't miss these when they are around. I know them since the past so many years but do I know them?

And It Starts All Over Again

2009-03-11T21:15:00.000-07:00

Spent a sleepless night yesterday tossing and turning for no apparent reason. Nothing is wrong but neither is everything right.

Wished it would rain yesterday night. Wanted to hear the pitter patter of raindrops on my window sill, wanted to hear the thunder, wanted to feel the rain wash away all the dirt and the grim that had gathered around me...

The feeling of despair, emptiness, hopelessness and sadness is overwhelming...Is this the way this supposed to be....

A Face

2009-02-19T20:00:00.000-08:00

Its been a long time that I have posted. Life is going on. Nothing special is happening.

I ran the Mumbai Marathon. The dream run (walk) of 6 kms actually. Not much of a marathon. I enjoyed it thoroughly. How often does one get to run on the roads of Mumbai?

A very strange thing happened. There was this boy who was us cheering from the window of his house on Charni road while we all ran. He was on the 2nd or maybe the 3rd floor of a building that is on the right hand side of the flyove from Girgaon Chowpatty. I was running on the flyover and just managed to look up. He was waving and all the runners. We made eye contact, waved and smiled at each other. Thats it. I continued to run.

Its been more that a month now and I just cannot seem to get that face out of my head. Who is he? What is his name. It is not that he was drop dead gorgeous/handsome, but its just that the face has intrigued me...

Well, I guess its just one of those things that happen....

Sadness

2008-11-10T05:28:00.000-08:00

Is it just me who is feeling this or was this a very sad and bleek Diwali? Yes, there were sweets, there were new clothes, there were lights, but somehow the happiness and the festive feeling was not the same.

There is a sense of apprehesion among everybody regardless of the class they belonged to... People seemed to be doing the Diwali rituals just for the sake of it... the economy is not doing well and everyone is thinking twice about spending money. Even people with fixed incomes. People are thinking even about spending for minor things like flowers and diyas.

It really hit me when I was walking away after inquiring about the rangoli rates from a roadside vendor. I thought at Rs. 5/- per packet, the rates were high. But the mother of the rangoliwaali literally screamed saying that as it is sales were extremey bad and she was driving a potential customer away.

Not only moneywise, but generally there is a feeling that the feeling of euphoria that we were experiencing a few months ago shall be there for a long time now...no one seems to know when this shall last....

To add to this, news of layoffs, salary cuts is very very real. Companies have already started cutting salaries and mails have been sent to staff especially the new joinees that jobs too may be cut...no body seems to be speaking about anything else...

Who would have thought that just a couple of months the picture would change so much....

Personally for me, it was a very bad diwali. My best friends mother passed away suddenly and I was down with viral fever for the entire diwali week...Not that Im in a very festive mood during Diwali, and Im not very fond of the rituals, but all this added to the sense of disparity and sadness and melancholy...

Being Boss

2008-09-08T09:15:00.000-07:00

I am discovering that its much more difficult heading a team than being just a reportee to your boss. When you are just a member of a team you are on your own and responsible only for the job profile that is allocated to you.

Heading a team and managing a number of people, solving their problems, supporting them when they goof up, encouraging them, firing them for the mistakes done, praising them for the good work done,managing various temperaments, allocating jobs according to their individual skills is very very difficult. It is a big big responsibility being in charge of a team and getting work done from them.You cannot neither be very friendly towards them nor can you be unapproachable. You have to have immense patience to explain a certain thing to them in 10 different ways to make them understand it. You have to learn to control your irritation when they ask your opinion on trivial matters when you are in the midst of something important and help them. You have to learn to handle them with kid gloves.

When we begin our careers, at some point, we all want to head a team and shoulder bigger responsibilities. I was always in awe of my earlier bosses who headed the department/big teams/the company. And except for one organisation, all my bosses were very skilled,intelligent,friendly,impartial,approachable and fantastic people. Now that I'm in their shoes, it amazes me how they managed it without being hassled at any point of time. Yes, they did let me know when I made mistakes but I never once feel that they meant it personally. When I made any progress professionally or personally, they were genuinely pleased for me. There was so much to learn from them not only professionally but also in they way they treated their subordinates. Ive learnt that being humble and acknowledging your subordinates goes a long way making you a good human being and therefore a good boss too.

I hope that I can be the same impartial, warm,supportive and humble boss to whom my subordinates can look up to.

Stray Thoughts

2008-08-13T11:05:00.000-07:00

A few random thoughts...

1. That old couples look so endearing when they walk hand in hand..

2. That Primary school children look extremely sweet when they are off to school wearing their uniforms, hair neatly oiled, ribbons in place with very serious expressions on their faces.

3. How teenage girls blush while speaking to their boyfriends on the phone (for that matter how all girls/women regardless of their age look so shy while speaking to their partners on the phone)

4. The inquisitive look babies give while looking over their mother's shoulder at the world.

5. The happiness on their face when someone manages to catch a moving train just in the nick of time.

6. The forlorn look that someone gives a loved one when bidding goodbye at the railway station/airport/bus stop.

7. The special smile that is exchanged between lovers...

This week I have decided that I am going to chuck out all my 'relationships' and 'friendships'. Those relationships that were always so superficial. Those friendships which I thought were based on trust. Where no one cared about what I really wanted. where there was just a give and take. Give and take of money, power, ego games....

Who cared if in all this give and take, the one thing that I really lost was my innocence and trust.

Old Age

2008-07-06T08:56:00.000-07:00

This happened a couple of days ago.

I left office early (on time) because I had given some photographs to develop. These snaps were taken of my nani when she had come to visit us last year. My parents were going the next day to Nagpur to visit her and I know that she would be very happy to see them. The shop closed at 9 and I had to get them that day itself.

As I was waiting at the bus stop and was approached by an old lady in her late 60s. She had lost her way. She had come from Kalyan and wanted to go to Rambaug nagar near powai lake. The lady looked poor but was definitely not a beggar. Her saree was clean. She was wearing a maharashtrain type saree and looked almost in tears. I did not know where Rambaug was. She had come by bus and had got off at the wrong stop. I asked her if she had the exact address. She did not. The only thing she knew that the house was opposite the lake and had some tall buildings close to it. She did not have anyone's phone no. I asked a couple of people at the bus stop but nobody knew exactly where she wanted to go.

We crossed the road and asked a shop owner. He told us that there was such a colony near the lake but in the opposite direction. I thought that I shall get an auto for her and tell the driver the directions and ask her to go alone. But we waited for nearly 15 minutes without an empty auto in sight. Then she asked me if any buses go to Vijaynagari. Her daughter stayed there in a police colony and if we were not sure about Rambaugh, she would go to Vijaynagari. I did not know which Vijaynagari she was referring to. I knew 2 of them. I asked her if she had anybodys contact no at all. She dug into her small purse and gave me her son's telephone no. I tried calling it, but no one was answered. She was very worried and in tears. It was getting dark and I did not want to leave her alone. I thought of my nani and how I would have expected strangers to help her if unfortunately she was ever in such a situation. I was very angry at her family for allowing her to travel such a long distance alone and without even the proper address.

With no auto in sight, we went to a traffic police booth. I thought I shall tell them to drop her at her location.Luckily there were 3 policemen inside. I told them the story. They confirmed that there is a rambaugh at Powai lake. One of them came out and found an auto for us. I expected them to help her. But he did not seem to be going alongwith her. I sat with the old lady and drove to rambaug. By this time I was slightly irritated. And to make matters worse, I had only 70 bucks with me because the ATM was not working in the morning. I desperately wanted to get the photos.

When we were on the way to Rambaug, she seemed to recognise the place and said that she had failed to recognise the place earlier because of a flyover being constructed there. We asked people around and they confirm that it was rambaug area. We got off. I paid the autowalla. It was only Rs12 but I also needed money to go back home. Bus was out of the question now since it was late and I would've had to go by auto.I asked her if this was the right place. She did not seem so sure again. She then said to me 'I think I should go to Vijaynagari' . hearing this I was angry and said that I cant take her to Vijaynagari since I had to go to Goregaon. She immediately walked away towards the houses and asked a couple of people on the way for the person whom she wanted to meet. I had this urge to run behind her and help her locate the house. But for some reason I did not (maybe because it was getting late and I thought that she was in the proximity, she shall be able to find the house on her own).

I sat in the same auto an drove to Goregaon. But I could not get her thoughts out of my mind. All the time I was wondering whether she found the place and I regretted that I had not stayed back to help her. What if she was robbed/met with an accident? I mean, she needed help while crossing the road in daylight. And I had left her to fend for herself in the dark. I was feeling very sorry. As soon as I reached home, I called on her son's cell no which she had given. Thankfully her daughter-in-law picked up this time. I told her the story and asked her to find out whether she had reached the place. She too sounded worried and said that she shall call me back. I called her again a couple of times, the last call was after 11 pm and she still had not reached the right place.

By now I was worried and was feeling extremely bad about leaving her alone. What if I had waited with her for a few more minutes... I would've located the place. If not, I could have dropped her at Vijaynagari. At least she sounded confident about that place. All the time for some reason I put my nani in her place. I somehow managed to sleep through the night. I called the number a couple of times in the morning but without any response. I went to office and called around 9. This time her son answered and said that she had reached safely. She could not locate the place in Powai and had gone to her daughters house in Vijaynagari. I breathed a sigh of relief....

Well, I guess alls well that ends well I guess.....I hope no body ever lets their old parents travel alone. It can get quite scary for them.... Later I put myself in her situation...what if I was in a foreign country and lost my papers/baggage and did not have any idea where to go and what I was supposed to go...

BTW, while crossing the road yesterday night, I almost got knocked down by Vikram Bhatt's car...

HP Pics

2008-07-03T06:07:00.000-07:00

Could not resist putting this snap....

The source of the Beas river????

Below, the majestic Himalayas.... and the road leading to Rohtang

Gushaini...lovely village in a very remote location of HP...drank actual mineral water here...unfiltered and totally unadulterated...water never tasted better....

Lovely place in the heart of Manali. If is was not for the monkeys, I wouldve spent the entire day here....

We river rafted in this water and later had a fab lunch at this location....

Himachal Pradesh

2008-06-16T10:24:00.000-07:00

And I'm back from an amazing trip to Himachal. HP is a land of good looking guys and beautiful women. The trip did not begin on a good note as our train was cancelled and we had to book last minute flight tickets. Our budget went for a toss. But the trip was awesome. I did a couple of things which I wanted to do before I die. I river rafted and I did paragliding and I walked and walked and walked and took some really nice pictures.

The weather was just perfect and I just could not get enough of the mountains. We discovered the pleasure of drinking actual mineral water. water never tasted better. We sat by the Tirthan river near Gushaini - a very remote village with not a soul in sight for miles together. The only sound was that of the river with its pristine and clear icy water rushing past us. It was as if time had just stopped. On our way down from Rohtang, we saw a lone vulture in its full splendour sitting on a rock. Too bad we could not take its snap. The drive from Naggar to Manali was the most picturesque that I have ever seen. I did not know that there exist so many shades of green.

The life there was so peaceful. In the one week that we were there, I did not witness a single fight or frowing faces. Wish I had stayed there another week just so that I could go for walk by the Beas or cycle along the innumerable apple orchards on the way to Naggar.....

Its so depressing to go back to office again. Wish I could stay there forever.....

Sometimes

2008-06-03T09:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder
What you did with the gifts I gave you,
Those cards that I had so lovingly made,
Those letters that were a part of me,
Those messages that I'd sent you,
Those notes which had my tears,
Those songs which conveyed feelings which I could have never put in words,
Those memories which just don't seem to leave me...
Did you throw all these away, or did you burn them,
Or like me did you hide them away where they can be conveniently found again?
Yes, sometime I wonder where you have stored those bits and pieces,
Bits and pieces of my life which were never really yours...

Fall in Love again

2008-05-27T10:05:00.000-07:00

Ive been going through a number of blogs during the last few days and the one thing Ive noticed is that there are so many people who have broken up with their BFs/GFs. Their blogs express the same feelings of lonliness, sadness and bitterness that I'm going through. Life as a single person is good in the sense that I'm not answerable to anyone and can take my own independent decisions, can travel, study, go for a walk or on a trip without second thought. I mean I'm always free to do whatever I want. When my committed/married friends envy me for this reason, I feel that I'm lucky in a way.

But when I see couples walking hand in hand, cuddling together, giving each other those secret looks and smilies that convey so many things which words can never convey, I miss having that special person around. Miss him when I want to share silly mundane things that happen in daily life like how my boss praised me on my well drafted letters and how I'm considered to be an expert in my office software,how beautiful it feels when I sit on a bench in Aarey milk colony waiting for a bus, how I wish I could just get off the bus and walk to the hamlet in the middle of the jungle, how lovely the lone gulmohur tree looks in full bloom in a small municipality school compound, how they could beautify the Powai lake, how cute children look when they are all dressed up in school uniform and are nervous about the maths paper that they have to write....

How I miss those days when I could pick up the phone and speak to him about these things....seemingly small things but sometimes you cant tell these to your friends however close they are...

I want to fall in love all over again and give everything that I have unconditionally to him again...

Jaipur Blasts

2008-05-16T08:16:00.000-07:00

So the dimwits are at it again. This time targeted a peaceful city like Jaipur. Which shall be next? Why do people do this? What pleasure do they get in killing innocent people especially children?

I'm not an expert on religion but one thing I know for sure that no religion in the world ever preaches to kill people just because they do not believe in your religion. And if all these killings are just for a piece of some other country's land/state, one question that comes to mind is that how much land does a person require to live? Just so that we can claim that a certain part of the earth belongs to us, we go around killing people?

I was watching an interview on Times Now a couple of days ago. There was this gentleman Mr. Sajjad Lone who said that the killings in Jaipur were related to the Kashmir issue. Does that justify killings? He said that all this was happening because of human rights violation in J&K. What human rights violations? When terrorists kill innocent villagers on the border, is that not human rights violation? when innocent Kashmiri Pandits were driven out of their homes in the middle of the night, was that not human rights violation?

He said that the people of Kashmir want independence. From whom? Te army is there because of the infiltrators. We are not too happy about the fact that our army men are posted there in extreme climates far away from their homes just to protect them. He claims that Kashmiris want independence. But can it survive on its own? Or it wants to be with Pakistan who is ruled by a dictator? Why cant people be practical? This person is living in India and speaking against the country and its constitution. Why are we even tolerating him? Why is he still in the country? Strange....

And does all this justify the killing of people in Jaipur? Get real guys. What with global warming, destroying of forests, melting of glaciers and the general mess that we have done with the planet, people are anyways going to die of earthquakes, tsunamis, floods etc. In addition to this, why go around killing people in the name of religion/country?

How can these people sleep peacefully at night after seeing images of a 4 year old child who is hurt in the blasts and is crying for her mother but dies not know that she shall never see her again because shes dead in the same blasts?

Things I want to do Before I Die

2008-05-09T08:48:00.000-07:00

I had this pain in my right knee since the last 2 months or so, and as usual I did not go to the doctor thinking that I'm totally fit and it shall subside. The pain aggravated this week and finally yesterday I went for a checkup. The verdict: I may have arthritis. Arthritis? Me? But I'm still very young for it. OK, I do say often that I'm old and I cant do many things which I may have done a few years ago but I'm definitely too young for arthritis. I mean it happens to people in their 50s. Even the doc was a little shocked. He has given me medicines for three days and said that if the pain still dose'nt subside, I shall have to have an X ray done. I just hope that its not arthritis but just some minor problem due to the tennis that Ive been playing for the last 3 months or so. I had forgotten to mention this to him.

But this got me thinking. Ive just been taking life for granted thinking that I've still got a lot of time on my hands to do whatever I wanted to do in life. And in the bargain Ive forgotten that my body is getting older. And there are so many things that I haven't done but want to. It was a moment when I actually thought that even though I say that I dont mind dying now since life has not been that great and not maany will be effected if I die, but there are still many things which I actually have'nt done and wold like to do. So here is the list of things which I want to do before I die.

1. Travel. Travel to Europe especially Ireland, travel to all the states in North East India. Visit Andamans again and again and again.

2. Do bungee jumping,white water rafting and paragliding ( that's the closest you can get to actually flying), snookering in the pristine waters of andaman again.

3. Go for long walks in Rishikesh alone just like I went last year.

4. Visit Panchgani in the rains and go cycling till Pratapgarh. Stay there in a cute Parsi bungalow.

5. Go on a solo trip to Uttaranchal especially the Valley of Flowers.And this time when I go there, try to have a conversation with the sadhus there.

6. Go for a party with friends and dance without any inhibitions on the dance floor. (I'm a terrible dancer and most of the times I'm extremely shy to dance).

7. Buy a fancy car. Not for me but my mom would love it if I take her on long drive in my own car.

8. Send my parents on a trip abroad.

9. Join a salsa class, a photography class, learn swimming

And most important of the lot:

10. Beat the shit out of child abusers and rapists.

11. Join an organisation working for street children and try to bring childhood back to the life of at least one child.

12. Adopt a daughter.

13. Say how much I love my parents even though Ive been a terrible daughter and how much I am indebted to them for tolerating me and standing by me when I needed them.

14. A big thank you to my friends who have stood by me during the most testing period of my life. Thank you is too small a word for whatever they have done for me. But if it was not for them I would have been writing this today. So thank you Vidya and Amita and Sanjay and Jatin. Especially Vidya. You have been a rock.

15. Say sorry to someone for all the nasty things I have ever said to him. Trust me, Im not all that bad.

I hope I can manage to do all these things else when I'm actually old/when my body no longer is capable of doing this, I shall regret not having done it when I could've done it.

But most of this requires lots (quite a bit) of money for which I have to go to office, which leaves me no time to even think of ll this. And it all becomes embroiled in a vicious circle....

I wonder what others want to do before they die....

Love and Hate

2008-05-04T04:56:00.000-07:00

I don't love you.
No, I don't.
In fact I hate you.
Hate you for everything that you did.
Hate you for those tears, those sleepless nights,
those days spent waiting for your calls which never came,
Those lies, those tears, the anger, the bitterness.
yes I am sure I hate you.
Then why do I still remember you,
Your smile, your laugh, your ability to make me laugh,
Your innocence, your shyness, your calmness,
Your call, your messages,
The feel of your hands when you held them against mine,
The idle chatter through the nights,
The fights, the making up,
your singing, your apprehensions,
Your shaayari especially composed for me,
The phone calls, the missed calls,
The sea, the lakes, the movies,
All those memories,
Why do I see you everywhere?
Yes, I hate you. I hate you.
But do I also love you?

Me, A Coward

2008-04-24T10:04:00.000-07:00

This incident has been haunting me for more than a month now.

I was in a bus going home from work and generally lost in my own thoughts. As it was quite late, the bus was not crowded. Suddenly I heard someone groaning very loudly. First I thought it something had fallen and did not pay attention to it. But when I turned around, I saw that a man in his 50s was unconscious. He was sitting on a seat and a young chap next to him was trying to revive him. some 4-5 people were trying to help him. Someone was rubbing his chest, others were rubbing his feet etc. Nobody could make out whether he was breathing or not. The bus was in a forest area and could not stop at a hospital/clinic.

I had a bottle of water in my bag and I had this urge to go and splash water on his face or offer it to him to drink. Maybe that would've helped him.

But I did not get up. For some reason, I just sat there and watched all this. I don't think anybody else had any water with them. Else someone would've surely have offered it to him.

I just sat there and after my stop came, I got off the bus. before getting off, I looked behind and the man was sill unconscious. Maybe he was taken to the doctor later. maybe he was OK and nothing serious happened to him.

But what if he was dead? What if he would've been alright if I had offered water to him? Why didn't I just get up and splash some on his face to revive him? It would not have cost me anything. Then why? usually I am quite helpful even to strangers. then why didn't I do it then? am I really a coward but pretend to be otherwise? What if it was one of my family members instead of the man travelling on the bus alone and no one came to his/her help if god forbid something like this ever happened to them?

I just cant seem to shake of this guilt feeling.

Laughter and Tears

2008-04-23T10:24:00.000-07:00

This is what you've made of me-----

Never happy never sad,
No feelings no emotions,
No jealousy, no curiosity,
No laughter, no tears.
Just anger and a lot of bitterness...
Towards you, towards life.
Once upon a time,
Life was not so great,
But me, I was happy,
That's what you always said' you smile and laugh too much'
You never wanted me to be happy did you?
You would be proud of yourself now,
To see what you've made of a 'Bombay girl' like me...
Who neither laughs nor cries....neither for you and nor for anybody else too...

Leave me alone

2008-04-23T10:08:00.000-07:00

Why cant people just leave me alone to lead my life peacefully on my own terms. I know that they are worried about me and want me to be happy. But do they even know what I really want? Or for that matter do I myself know what I want? I just want to go away somewhere and never come back. I know that I sound like a loser when I say this. It is very easy to say that you should always face your problems and try to solve them rather than running away. But that is what I want to do now. I want to be away from everybody. I family, my friends, my job, everything.

Last week I was so happy that I am going on a vacation to Manali in June. Now I feel that I should go on those mountains and never come back. It shall be even better if no one knows where I am. I have become a loner. I hate having people around me, speaking to me, questioning me, telling me whats good for me and whats not, how to lead my life. And I hate it even more when I know that this is not the person that I was.... will I ever be the same again...

This song is fit for my state of mind...

aaina mujse meri paheli si surat mange

mere apne meri hone ki nishani maange

aaina mujse mari paheli si surat mange

mein bhatakata hi raha dard ke viraane mein

wakt likhta raha chere pe har pal ka hishab

meri shohrat meri diwangi ki nazar hui

pi gayi may ki botlein meri geeto ki kitab

aaj lauta hoon to hasne ki ada bhool gaya

yeh sahar bhoola muje mein bhi ishe bhool gaya

mere apne meri hone ki nishani mange

aaina mujse meri paheli surat mange

mera fan phir muje bazaar mein le aaya hai

yeh vo jagah ke jahan mero vafa bikate hain

baap bikate hain aur lakhte jigar bikate hain

kookh bikati hain dil bikate hain sar bikate hain

is badalti hui duniya ka khuda koi nahin

saste daamo pe yahan roz khuda bikate hain

har kharidaar ko bazaar mein bikataa paya

hum kya paayenge kisi ne yahaan kya paayaa

mere ahesas mere phool kahin aur chale

Buddhism

2008-04-09T09:32:00.000-07:00

I have suddenly developed an interest in Buddhism. Well, maybe not suddenly, but I think it started when I travelled to North East some 4 years ago on a vacation. I found the monasteries and the lives that the monks lived very intriguing. Somehow I found the monasteries very peaceful. Maybe it has something to do with the locations. They are situated amidst beautiful mountains, and most of the time they are colourful, surrounded by lovely flags. Its a beautiful sight....you are in you car driving along green/snow clad mountains and at a distance you see this lovely colourful monastery with flags flying high in the wind like an oasis. And the way the chants echo inside.... its just awesome. You have to visit north east at least once to experience all this.

The life style in that re is so different, and there is so much emphasis on education and sports. Even two people end up playing cricket/football/chess/carom. In fact you shall find many people either playing carom/chess on the tracks on the Darjeeling mini train. When they see the train approaching, they shift the carom/chess board till the train passes and resume the game again. Ive seen 5 year old children trekking for miles together to school in the cold weather. And at every street you can see groups of cute monks in their maroon robes... especially the children who have recently joined, look very cute and photogenic...

I hope I can manage a trip to the North East again.... there is still so much I haven't seen...

Cheats and Liars

2008-04-07T06:43:00.000-07:00

The world is full of cheats and liars. People who lie and and cheat and derive some sadist pleasure from making others lives miserable. How I hate and abhor such jerks.

There is this 'friend' of mine who had 'borrowed' money from me when he needed it. Some were genuine reasons, some were not. I was naive enough to trust him and gave it to him. He always promised to return it to me. Its been 4 years now. All this was my hard earned money.Whenever I have asked him for the same, and sometimes in extreme financial need , he always made some excuse about him not having it, and how tough he is finding it to make ends meet. I knew he was lying. When I persisted about it, he always abused me and said how I was making his life miserable and torturing him and behaving like a cheap person.

Me? The person who helped him when I required? How mean can people get. And to think that I cared for him some time ago. Thanks to him, I have stopped trusting anyone and become a racist.

He lives his life in luxury buying the most expensive brands, spends money on discs, bought all kinds of consumer goods, is planning to buy a car and when I ask him for my money he says he does not have any.

All these years I believed him and thought that I should not push him since he really is in need of money. But when I found that all this time he has lied to me, I am tempted to tell his family and his friends what kind of a cheap person he is. When he got an inclination of what I was planning to do, he majorly abused me and called me all kinds of names as if I was the cheater and lier

I still haven't told anyone about what all I'm going through. Yesterday, I was very much inclined to call his family and spill the beans. But somehow I am not able to bring myself to do it.

Should stoop to his level or keep quiet and not tell anybody????? Somebody help me with this.

That time of the Year

2008-03-16T08:23:00.000-07:00

Its March again and spring is here. Well officially there is no 'spring' in Bombay but there are subtle changes in the weather. Its that time of the year when I'm nostalgic about my school days. March nowadays means tax filing time. But once upon a time, long long it used to mean exam time. Trees begin to sprout new tender leaves which are in amazing and unique shades of green. Yes, look carefully and you can see these changes even in smog filled Bombay (wonder if that is the reason why green happens to be my favourite colour). I was going out for a client meet yesterday and chanced upon school children reading their textbooks on the way to exams. How I miss that period of my life. OK, I don't miss the exams per se, but I definitely miss school. I love the chatter of the children while they were boarding the school bus, the 'imliwalla' outside the school, boys pulling the ribbons of girls...some things remain the same.

I miss:

- Studying on my building terrace during exams.

- The disgust felt because you got that 1 mark 'fill in the blank' question wrong during exams.

- All my friends gathering in my building compound between two papers because it was close to school and very quiet and peaceful.

-The cuckoo singing and we teasing it and it reciprocating.

- The climbing of mango and jamun trees and plucking of raw mangoes and jamuns and the fighting for them when they were being distributed.

- Dreading the open house day.

- Coming out of the school with a big smile and your parents proudly announcing to the world that you that you are one of the toppers.

- The Enid Blytons that you used to devour during the vacations.

- The exchanging of story books.

- The playing of 'saakhli' and catch and hide and seek and 'daba is paais' till late.

- The coming back home with bruises and cuts.

- The gossiping on the compound bench till 10 in the night.

- The Rs. 5 'bhel' and 'rasna' parties on the terrace.

-The going to your grandparents place for the holidays.

- Watching the late sunsets from the terrace and the lovely hues the sky has during dusk.

- The chirping of the birds in the evening.

- The playing badminton in the compound after dinner.

- Discussing how great life would be once we started working and blowing money on clothes.

Ahh... those were the good old days...

That stage of Life

2008-03-10T03:12:00.000-07:00

OK. This post is very personal . But what the hell, there is nothing personal left about my life now, and since no one that I knows reads my blog, I might as well vent my feelings online.

It suddenly seems to have hit me that my biological clock is ticking away and I am yet to start taking baby steps to find the 'perfect guy'. Guess such a person does not exist. All the suitable men are already taken/are not interested. Some people just seem to find their partners so early in life/ manage to find someone equally suitable after a break off. Makes me wonder what is wrong with me? Or maybe as P mentioned, I'm not taking enough pains to find him. He does have a point though. I'm too shy to go out and don't mingle with people especially strangers. What do I expect? My prince charming to come riding on a horse???

I honestly believe that you should marry a man who is fit enough (and I do not mean just physically) to father your child. There seems to be a serious dearth of such men. Or maybe my criteria of a honest man is too high. Or I'm just plain tired to go through the whole routine again and have given up on everything. Or maybe I scare people away with my suspicious attitude and khadoos looks. Or maybe Ive been watching too many romantic movies to expect a miracle. But whatever the reason, I still have to find that special someone.

I even seem to remember the first time when I had this feeling that I need to have my own children. It was years ago when I saw this cute girl with her mother in a local train. Well, Ive seen even cuter kids with their mothers but that was the exact moment when I had this feeling. And I know for a fact that however lousy I might be a a wife, I shall definitely be a good mother.

I guess I shall shortly have to visit a sperm bank to have my wish fulfilled.

P.S. I saw a very cute scene today with three children squeezed under a newspaper vendor's stand and reading their school books. Wish I had a camera to capture it.

Books

2007-11-15T02:40:00.000-08:00

Am reading 'The Kite Runner'. Wonder how I missed reading this book. Have read the second book my the same author. I've forgotten the name. Its quite amazing that I always seem to forget the name of the books and the author that I've read but remember the storyline.

Anyways, The Kite Runner is an amazing book. Quite disturbing and depressing but extremely well written. Its not helping that I'm generally in a very sad state since the last week or so. And when Im in a depressing mood, I love reading books. I just tend to forget the state that my life is in, and get immersed in them. Nothing like a good book and coffee for company. You dont need anybody then. Movies dont even come close . There are times when even if Im watching a very good movie, my mind tends to drift but it does not happen when Im reading. Wonder if its just me or it happens with everybody else too.

Am dying to complete it and then shall go searching for an equally engrossing book.

Expectations

2007-10-17T10:08:00.000-07:00

There are certain people whom we care and love and they are special to us in some way.

We expect them to behave and do certain things in the manner we want them to.

If they do not, we shout and scream and cry because we think we care about them and want the best for them.

Sometimes they agree to do things our way because they too care. and we are happy bacause we think that they too are happy and that is the best for them.

But are they really happy or are they doing it because we want them to. But do we care? Do we care that its broken their heart and they are really unhappy deep down because they would rather do something else?

If they dont, we resent them and are unhappy and try not to think of them. We stop caring and loving them.

And then one day they go. Then you realise that you never even got to say goodbye or thank you or sorry or love you .

And that you had never stopped loving or caring about them and you can do anything, just anything to be able to spend even a moment together and to tell them that you miss them and they were the only ones who ever made you feel complete.

Death

2007-10-15T09:38:00.000-07:00

Kannan died today. Not that I knew him that well, we had worked together in the same organisation but for different teams and never really interacted. It came as a shock to me. He died of an heart attack. The first one when he was in office and the second one when he was being shifted to the hospital. He died on the way and he was my age.

Remember the time someone else had died so suddenly 8 years ago. We stayed in the same society and he was my studying partner. It was my last year in college and I used to stay up late. Everyone in the society used to be fast asleep but I never felt alone because he too used to stay up to study and I used to feel good seeing the lights on in his house. I was comforted with the thought that Im not the only one slogging. He was studying dentistry. Strangely we never spoke to each other.

And then one day he died. Just like that. He came home from a wedding and died from brain hammoreage. No one was at home. He was to receive his results the next week. Wouldve become a doctor.

Of Crabs and Sikkim

2007-10-15T03:08:00.000-07:00

A colleague and me reading the same article in the newspaper.

I say" Wow, what a nice picture.I want to go there now"

She says, " Me too."

Both of us drooling all over the article.

Another colleague passes by and says, what are you two staring at?

She says " There is this restaurant which has opened which serves amazing crabs. We were thinking of going there now."

I say" What crab? I was thinking of going to Sikkim. There is a group here which offers a trek in Sikkim for Rs. 16000/-. I was looking at the lovely snap that the've posted."

It is then that we notice that there is this picture of a crab and Sikkim both in the same article.

Different people different choices. None were possible in the immediate future. So we get back to work dreaming about crabs and Sikkim.

random thoughts

2007-10-09T10:33:00.000-07:00

Its navratri time again. Its not much fun here in Bombay as it is in Gujarat.

Love the way everybody dances there in true traditional style.

Here its just a musical evening with singers with little talent belting out hindi numbers and most of the public just listening to the songs. Not much dance happens.

Remember the navratris during school days. They always used to clash with emester exams and we ued to get to dance only on weekends that too after finishing studies. We used to look forward to navratris during those days.

It has just become a nuisance now with people just wearing designer clothes and showing off. And the 10 pm deadline just seems to have killed the entire thing.

Ganpati, Navratri, Dussehra and then diwali followed by new years...somehow the enthusiasm seems to have died a long time ago for these festivals. Is it just me or is this the same with everyone? I wonder....

Just another day

2007-10-09T10:19:00.000-07:00

Do I really need to explain myself to anyone?

If people have wrong perceptions about me, do I need to correct them? And even if I do, will it make difference to them or me?

Just because I choose to ignore most of the silly and immature comments made by the general junta round me, does that really give them a right to say whatever they feel like saying no matter what the other person feels? And do they really care about the explanations that I give?

These and other questions bothered me today. And then I decided, that it was futile to ruminate on the same things and lose my peace of mind in the bargain. Because those people are at this momenet probably sleeping peacefully after having had the peverse pleasure of saying nasty things and seeing me all wound up and angry and irritated and being very proud of the fact because they consider themselves to be very outright and honet.

Hence I'm going to behave very normally tomorrow as if nothing has happened so that they can again comment on how thick skinned/dumb I am.

What am I?

2007-10-08T10:50:00.000-07:00

I think that I am totally useless.

I can’t sing
I can’t dance
I can’t play a musical instrument
I don’t play any sport
I can’t paint
I’m not good at wisecracks
I’m an introvert
I’m not a good talker
I don’t follow cricket that regularly
I rarely watch TV except of the advertisements sometimes
I don’t bowl, play chess, scrabble,tennis,football,anything
I can’t swim
I don’t like to eat
I can’t cook
I’m not good looking (I’m cute/pretty but not good-looking)
I don’t have a great sense of dressing
I can’t speak about any topic in depth (I do read a lot but am not a master of anything)
I hate taking favors from anyone even my close friends
I don’t have a great sense of humor
I’m uncomfortable speaking with new people
I’m absolutely hopeless at parties
I can’t even write well
I don’t know where my life is heading
I’ve no aim no ambition….

People think am weird because;

Id rather take the stairs than use the elevator even while coming down from the 21st floor

I walk from cuffe parade to churchgate because I love looking at the houses and architecture along the way and the children playing at oval and look at the trees and the gardens along the way.

I love old houses.

I travel by second class compartments while in Bombay but when I’m on a vacation I fly.

I go on long trips/vacations alone.

I love staying alone

I hate chatting with people while am traveling.

I don't like to play antakshari

I stare at people (I think I am observing them)

I love to walk, walk and walk.

I don’t spend money on designer clothes even when I can afford them.

I shed tears even when I watch a sentimental silly ad on TV

I wear an old outdated watch just because it has sentimental value attached.

I don’t have my hair colored/styled in the latest fashion.

I generally have only two pairs of shoes and continue wearing them till they are unusable.
I visit art galleries to see paintings even though I dont understand a thing about art.

I love walking along the lanes and byelanes of Fort.

I don’t butter people even if it’s going to benefit me.

I defend and protect my friends even if I end up fighting with someone.

I can never say no…

I can stare into space lost in my thoughts for hours together.

I can’t mask my feelings…and am very blunt and not at all diplomatic in my conversations.

Hence I've decided that I am both- useless as well as weird.

But when I get a call from a very old acquaintance after 6 years saying that he has traced my no after lots of efforts and had just called to ask how I was, and when out of the blue someone calls me to say that her life has become very complicated and she could not think of anyone except me to speak about it, I think that maybe, just maybe am not all that useless and weird.

Urchins

2007-09-26T05:04:00.000-07:00

Ive always been curious about urchins and few incidents in recent days seem to made me rethink about the way I react to situations and made me wonder if how I would have reacted if I was even in such a situation. All happened in local trains.

I had a pretty lousy week. Things wre not going well in office as well as on the personal front. I was travelling alone and lost in my thoughts thinking where exactly things had gone wrong. Suddenly an urchin of about 7 years asked me for money. He had swept the train and was expected something in return. I did not have any change at all and told me so. He insisted on the money. I again told him that I honestly did not have any change. He gave me a look as if he knew I was lying and went away. As my station was nearing, I went and stood on the footbridge. The urchin was standing opposite to me and giving me poignant looks. For some reason I was feeling guilty even though I had not done anything wrong. The station was coming closer and then the boy looks at me and says that I was standing on the wrong side and the train will pull in on the opposite platform. I wondered if I was in the same place, would I have dine the same thing and be sympethetic towards someone who persumably did not care about me?

I had just finished my packet of wafers and stood near the door in the train. A street child of around 9 got in with extremely shabby and dirty clothes and sat next to me on the footboard. As usual I was observing him. He found a discarded packet of cheap wafers on the floor with the last two chips in it and ate them. After that he just sat there with a thoughtful expresion on his face as if wondering about his life just as I was about mine. I was thinking about the packet of wafers that Id just finished and wouldve given it to him if he had begged me for it. But he was obviously too proud beg. He then looked up at me with the expression that said that I was so lucky to be wearing decent clean clothes, working with a well paying job and listening to music on my cell. He then got off at Bombay Central making me wonder what it was that was going on in his mind, whether he was wondering where his next meal was going to come from or about the beating that he was going to get from his drunken father ...

Two very dirty urchins getting in at Dadar and looking back and smiling at me...

Me asking them where they were going

"Movie" they answered

"Where?"

"Bandra"

"Which?"

"Any new movie"

"How much are the tickets for?"

"Rs. 10."

They getting off at Bandra with gleeful expressions on their faces thinking about the movie.

I had got in at Churchgate and an urchin sweeps the train. He asks me for money. The only change I have is a Rs. 5 coin and I was reluctant to hand it over to him. So I tell him that I dont have change. He persists. I again tell him that I dont have change. His friend was standing near the door grinning at me and asks me to please give his friend some money. He has very pretty mischevious eyes. Im smitten by them and hand over the coin to his friend. He is extremely happy that his friend had recived the money and was gleeful. He said a very cheeky "Thank you", gave me a wave and disappeared in the crowd.

Relationships

2007-09-26T03:52:00.000-07:00

I feel so sad to see relationships espically long term ones breaking.

Love is such a complicated subject. People fall in love when they least expect it and people who have been in love suddenly find that they dont love each other and fall in love with someone else.

A few years ago I wouldve frowned at the thought of an extra marital affair. But not anymore.

Love happens. Yes it does even after youve had a love marriage. It happens even after you know that you have grown up children and should not love anyone but your husband. You fall in love with the most unlikely person for the most unlikely reasons. It also seems impractical and silly to you, but you cannot help but love that person.

You suddenly realise that you love someone more than anyone else even after being away for him/her for years together. Yes, there are other people in your life, and though they are nice, no one is quite like that person whom youve probably spoken just a couple of times ago. And you could do anything to be with him/her at that moment.

Yes, love happens when you are past forty with grown up children but you are chatting with that person on phone for hours together just like a teenager and dont feel silly about it.

Someone comes to you one fine day and says that theyve been in love with you since the last so many years but were just too scared to tell you at that time. But after all these years they have still not stopped loving you. This, even though you are with someone else now. You then wonder if maybe things wouldve been different if they had told you this years ago.

Love happens even though you are already in love with someone else and want both of them. But you know that you have to choose anyone but dont want to hurt either.

Someone loves you but you have absolutely no felings for that person even thought hes a gem of a person and you feel guilty because you cannot be as nice to him as he is to you.

You love someone even though you know that he is in love with someone and does not even know that you exist.

And you are still in love with that person even though the relationship has ended a long time ago.....

LOST LOVE

2007-04-23T22:05:00.000-07:00

Ever heard of the line 'You never forget your first love. It always holds a special place in your heart no matter what happens'.

I experienced this first hand yesterday.

Mr. Kumar is an important customer of our Branch. He is in his late 60's and a consultant with a very important government organisation. There is a dedicated relationship manager who attends to his queries.I being a junior officer of our branch had never interacted with him.

But yesterday the customer hours were over, the relationship manager had left for the day and we were also in the process of wrapping our work. Mr Kumar walked in with his wife. As I was the only customer representative around, he came to my desk. His fixed deposit was in the process of getting printed which was taking sometime as the printer was not functioning. Mr. Kumar asked me which city I was from.

"Bombay" I said.

"Oh really! I lived in Bombay when I was young. My son lives there now.Are you a Maharashtrian?" he asked

"Yes" I said

"Thats nice. I knew a Maharashtrian girl once"

"When was this?" I asked him

"Oh... some 30 years ago when I was living in Bombay.She was the girl whom I knew for 5 years. I was in love with her" he said softly.

"What happened then?" I could not hold myself.

"Well we could not get married.Her family was against the idea. We tried a lot but it never happened....." he trailed off

I stopped what I was doing and looked at him. He seemed lost in his own world and was oblivious to what was going on around him. The look in his eyes said so many things which he probably could never have said in words.It was as if he had travelled back in time to some 30 years ago and was reliving the time that they had shared.His eyes spoke about the love that he still felt for her in some corner of his heart.

Mr. Kumar left after a while leaving me in no doubt that somewhere his friend was also thinking about him with the same love and affection that he was.

It is true...sometimes love does last a lifetime even if that special someone is no more with you.

Airport

2007-03-25T23:15:00.000-07:00

Damn! My flight was late.And today of all days when I was going to make the presentation. I called the client and told them about the delay. With nothing better to do, I bought a magazine and started going through it. Nothing new but the same old news. Bored, I was looking around the boarding area when I saw her.

Could it really be her? She was sitting right in front of me reading a book. She had the same height,was wearing her hair in the same style, and her profile was strikingly similar. She seemed oblivious to what was going on around her and was peacefully reading. If only she looked up and I got a better look....

I must have been staring at her for a long time when she suddenly looked up as if she had a feeling that someone was staring at her. It was her... Those eyes could not have belonged to anybody else. Those beautiful brown eyes which I always thought were the most honest, trusting and vulnerable eyes that I had ever seen.

I was surprised and very happy to be seeing her after so many years. I got up to meet her expecting her to reciprocate my feelings.But far from being happy she seemed shocked and for some reason scared to see me.Was there anybody around with her? But she seemed to be alone.I started walking towards her but she was already gathering her bags and was about to leave in a hurry.

"Pooja!Wait. Hi. Its me How are you?"
She seemed to be caught unawares and managed a meek "Hi"
"Where have you been?" I asked
"Im fine. Actually I have to go. I think my flight is boarding"
"No. No announcement has been made"
"Well.. I think I'll go get some coffee"
" Its been years since we've last seen each other"
"Ya. 6 years next month" she blurted.
" So you stay in Delhi"
" No had come here for some work. I really gotta go now"
" Whats the matter? You seem scared of something. Is there someone with you?"
"No..actually I..."
" Mama..." I hear a child of around 5 shout and come running towards her
Shes picked him up and held him really tight.
" I have to go. See you" she said.
" Wait" I said. "When did you get married?I did not know you had a child"
" Mama put me down. You are hurting me" I boy said.

It was then when I saw the child's face and realised why she was so scared. My mind went back to the last time we'd spoken some 6 years ago.

I still remember that day. It was a sad and gloomy day. I wanted to put off meeting her and telling her the news that I meant to tell her since the last so many days. But I knew that I had to get on with it.We had decided to meet at our favourite coffee shop. It was the same one where we had gone on our first date together.

I was already waiting for her at the corner table when she walked in. She looked so happy when she spotted me.

"Hi" she said."I want to tell you something"
"Me too" I said.
" You go first"
" Baby Im getting married" I blurted out.
Silence.
She seemed as if she had not heard me. She was studying me and a million thoughts seened to be going on in her mind.
" My parents met her last month. I too met her" I said.
she was still silent.
" Baby I love you but you how it is . As much as I want to marry you, you know my parents will never allow it".
" Is that what you want?" she asked.
"Yes" I said. I love them too much."
"Ok". That was all she said.
"I'm sorry"
"Its fine"
"You Ok?"
"Ya"
"You wanted to tell me something?"
"Yes " She said. "I'm pregnant"
"What!!"I shouted. "How is that possible?I mean...You are joking right?"
"No I'm not"
"We can't have this child. Please get it aborted"
"Its my child. Not yours. You know my feeling on this. I will never kill it"
" Please don't do it. There is no way we can get married"
"I am not asking us to be married"
" Please dont do it Pooja. I will loose my parents"
There was a moments sil;ence as she seemed to be studying me and then she burst out laughing.
"Scared you did'nt I? Dont worry. Im not pregnant".She said.
"You scared me"
" Well congrats on the wedding. Who is the girl? You like her? When is the wedding?"
" Shes OK. Shes from Calcutta.Date is not decided as yet but probably after 6 months. You'll be fine?"
"Ya, I'm fine. I know this relationship was not a long term one. I know you love your parents a lot and you would never hurt them. I'll manage"
"Thanks" I said.
"For what?"
"For being so understanding"
She looked down at her coffee which had gone cold a long time ago with a very sad smile on her face.

"Well its getting late. I should be leaving. " She said.
"I'll drop you home."
"No she said. I've to get used to being alone now."
"You'll find someone better than me ...someone who will love and treasure you"
"Maybe" she said and turned to leave.

"Pooja" I called out to her." I'm sorry. I love you."
She stopped, turned and gave me a look which spoke volumes of the hurt and the pain that she was feeling because of me.

She then left without a word.

I tried calling her but she never took any of my calls. Later I hear that she had changed her job and shifted to a new city. I wrote her a number of mails which went unanswered. None of her friends knew where she had gone. She just disappeared from my life.I too got married, changed jobs and city. But I always wondered how she was and whether she was happy. Somehow I knew that she shall never forgive me for what I did to her.

And then suddenly this meeting at the airport.

I looked at the child in her arms.He was the exact replica of the photo that my mother had with her.

He was my son.

I could not believe it. " Is he ,is her our.." I started
"No! " she literally shouted. "He's mine. Only mine" Her eyes held nothing but hate for me.
" Calling all passengers of Jet Airways flight AW 902 to Chennai"was the announcement.
"Bye " She said.
" Wait" I called. "Dont leave me, not again"
She turned ant looked at me and seemed to be me asking me questions for which I had no answers. her eyes spoke of the betrayal and hurt that she was feeling.
" You still love me, don't you?" I asked
"I never really stopped loving you"

The words hung in the air.I felt as if the air was sucked out of my lungs. Her eyes were moist as they seemed to cut into my soul"

"You took away all my happiness when you left me alone"She said."But you also gave me a gift when you went which is the reason why I'm living. Don't try to take him away from me. He is all that I have. He is my life". She turned and walked away towards the boarding line.
"Mamma who was that man" I heard the child say.
"Nobody" she said.
'Nobody'. That was who I was. I hoped that she would turn around and look at me just once. But she did not.

I sat down and thought of what I had playfully asked her one rainy night when she had snuggled into my arms.

"If you had an option of having only one child what would you have?Son or daughter?"
Without hesitating for a moment she said"daughter"
Then looking deep into my eyes she said"But if its yours, I'd want a son. A son who is just like you."
"Just like me?Why" I'd asked
"Because then I'll get to know all aspects of you. I'll know you as a child,a teenager,and an adult."
"You love me a lot don't you?"
She smiled."More than my life. I love you more than anyone has ever loved you"

These word were ringing in my ears even after my flight landed in Calcutta and I was left wondering whether my life shall ever be the same again.

mumbai blasts--whos to blame?

2006-07-13T21:37:00.000-07:00

Its amazing how these miserable politicians say that they had information that something was going to happen in Mumbai. The question that arises is that why wasn’t something done about it?

But then what right do we have to even bother asking such questions because these so called ‘netas’ are very busy trying to make issues out of non issues ad minting money for themselves….I mean what difference does it make to them if a few hundred people are dead??? They are safe and secure among their Z plus security (paid thru the tax payers money of course)

Such a massive operation could not have been carried out without the knowledge of the politicians. No matter which party they belong to….as long as they are getting money….they will even sell of the country.

They say that the state does not have the money to upgrade the intelligence and police systems. So why don’t they reduce their own security??? Crores of tax money is spent in protecting these people who really speaking nobody cares about…. Not even their own children who have gala champagne and drug parties within a month of their death….. If these people are so scared of their own lives they should spend money from their own pockets for their so called ‘security’

Coolly after everything has happened Madam Sonia comes by plane with our money….throws the entire hospital admin in chaos to meet the victims, announces compensation (which again is our money) and goes back to Delhi…. I mean does it really matter to them what the victims and their relatives are going through?

I would like to tell these politicians not to bother about sympathizing with us because it really dosent matter to us what they think or feel….. they are nothing but the scum of earth….regardless of which party they belong to….because their only concern in life is how to make money.

Mumbai locals

2006-06-22T01:04:00.000-07:00

Mumbai locals trains always seem to have some incidents happening like this one today morning where an old lady was begging in a crowded compartment. she had almost reached the end of the compartment and was bouncing the lone coin which she had in her plastic bowl to attract our attention. None of the ladied in her vincity were interesed in giving her anything. Suddenly the coin fell from her bowl and disappeared on the floor somewhere. She was immediately on her fours and started searching frantically everyehere for her coin.... all of us were lost in our own world and were impassive probably thinking that 'its just a question of one rupee..... what difference does it make if she does not find it.....'

A few minutes passed and when she still did not find the coin, a few of us tried to help her find it but to no avail....

Then someone put a coin in her bowl...probably feeling sad that she seemed to be taking so much pains for one rupee... then another one was added and this continued till she had a sizable number of coins with her....

Even the people who normally would not have given her anything ended doing so...... which makes the song from Taxi No 9211 apt for this situation...'kisika chutta kisiki daulat'

Maybe the old beggar was infact happy that she had dropped that coin...........