Rains

There is something about the rains... I am writing this its raining outside. Can hear the plitter platter of the rain drops on my window... Rains make me feel happy, romantic, sad, nostalgic all at the same time... Strange.

Rains bring with them a new hope, new life, the trees outside and all shiney and fresh. The birds all go quiet. Have you ever noticed they way birds sit in their nests protecting their brood? Its so reassuring that when everything is falling apart, there are some things which are still the same. For that matter, even watching a bird build its nest, is so insightful. Im sure we can never build it the way birds can even with our hands. And they manage to do it with their beaks !! Can watch this magic for hours..

Rains remind me of events which happened ages ago but seem just like yesterday.. Had it really been 10 long years? If only I could change a few incidents... Its funny how a single decision can change your life. Thet say you should always act according to what your heart says. But that that be a very foolish decision at times. 

I remember, when I was younger, I wanted my life to be different that the others. Not the set life which everyone was /is leading. But sometimes or rather usually, a boring , predictable life is good. Really good.

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Long Time

Came here after a really long time... One year. Have I been busy? Not really. But did not have much to write.

Have many dreams and aspirations and big plans. Life seems to have come to a standstill. Is it midlife crisis or is it that Ive become skeptical about everything? Dont know.

Read some blogs of people whom I was following.Many of them have stopped writing/shut down their blogs. I wonder about them.How are they?How are their lives? They were a tiny part of my life a long time ago when they and I used to write regularly. I knew some of them well. We used to banter and comment on each others posts.I do wonder about them and miss reading about their lives.

Strange ho we come close to people and miss them when we don't even know their names. Thats life I  guess.

Been travelling a lot. Went to my first ever trip abroad. Travelling opens your eyes to new cultures, new people. I seemed that I was living in  cocoon all this while. Felt completely free and happy that no one was judging me. All were strangers and I was just one more tourist in their country.

Life is full of surprises....

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?

So, you fall down, feel betrayed, feel sad, angry, lonely and all the usual things that go with these emotions, shed a few tears after a long time, get up, dust yourself and move foward with your head held high. You do hope that someone gave you a helping hand while getting up, helping you stand back and face the world again. But you have to do it alone. Learn to be happy and strong even if you feel like shit inside. Learn to move on. All around you say that you are such a strong person, how much they admire you for it. But honestly its tough being strong always. Tough pretending that everything is right when it really isnt. And what is so wrong in being weak? Nothing if you ask me. Being weak is OK. Atleast people know that you are hurt and they care.

And you want a special person in your life to pamper you, to fight with you, to argue with you, to care about you, to walk hand in hand with you, to share your laughter and tears with you, to sit quietly on a park bench with you, to hear you talk about your day and the end of the day. A special person whom you call your own.

Its said that only if you truly love yourself do you attract love. But sometimes, just sometimes you wish people love you back no matter whether you really love yourself or not. Because no matter what, you know that deep down you are a loving person regardless of the fact that you wear a different mask externally.

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Changes

" As the hour of departure arrives, we both go our ways. Me to live, you to die. Which path is better, God only knows".

It is not always that you read something which changes that way you think and gives a new perspective to life.

What is happening to me is surreal. It was by chance that I read a book on the Mahabharata. It caught my attention and I started reading other articles and books. How foolish was I to believe that ancient books are only about God and religion when they are actually about how you have to lead your life. How each person has his/own unique path. How nothing is a coincidence and we are just a minscule particle in the larger context of things.

It has changed me. Become more calmer and peaceful. But it has also opened new floodgates. New windows and questions on what I really want. What my purpose is in life. And I hope I find the answers. I want the quest to be over. If it does not, I am afraid of going back to my mundane existance as earlier and that is a very scary idea.

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Rains

Spent the last three days alone at home... and loved it. Was so peaceful. Will miss this peace and quiet. No wonder I desperately need to start living alone. Start to have a life of my own.

First rains in Mumbai and loving every moment of it. First rains in my own house. Would have loved to have someone share it with me but still happy . First rains always make me feel happy...as if there is a new beginning. Everything is nice and clean again.

Spent time with friends. Met new people. Came home late. Really late. Slept late. Spent time alone. Knew what I want.

Had planned something. Did not work out. But still happy. Know that I can be happy with myself and dont need anybody to make me happy.

Yes. Rains I think bring out the serenity in me.

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Nice

And What a year it has been... Great would be an understatement...And what did i do this year??

- Danced with a total stranger on the dance floor without any inhibitions for the first time in my life...
- Got a promotion
- Headed my unit in office
- fell in love
- Made some great friends
- and finally... bought my own house in Mumbai... Yes... did it finally....

And the next year shall be even better than the last...

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Clarity

Ask and you shall get it. Clarity is what I wanted and clarity is what I got.

The last 15 days or so have been sucha roller coster ride for me emotionally. Happy, sober, sensible, calm, a little mellow, peaceful, thoughtful,wild, but not sad... No. Not at all sad.

Maybe the reason why im not sad is that I now know that everything happens for the best. You may not know it at that time, but when you look back and think of the things and the events that happened, you know that there is someone up there who wants the best for you and shall not let you down.

Friends have played a very important part in my being the person that I am today. I now realise that the ugly events taht happened in my life a few years ago were so that I am a stronger person. My past is the reason why I am such an open and outgoing person now. It has helped me put things in perspective and I am no longer judgemental about people. I am now willing to experiment and not hesitant to try out new things. I dont care about what people think about me as long as I know that I am being true to myself and not hurting anyone. I am now more receptive to ideas and am able to empathise with others. Not that I was a bad person earlier but I was definitely naive and foolish.

And everday I count my blessings for the wonderful friends that I have in my life. Friends without whom I would not have been the person I am today. Friends who have traced me back after 10 years to say that they missed me. Friends who tell me that they like being with me because Im not judgemental and a loving person. Who have trusted me with their secrets. Friends with whom I can be myself and can go for honest advise anytime I want. Friends with whom I go without being in touch for months on end, but when we speak, it is a heart to herat conversation without any pretences. dont know what I would have done without them.

When I was in school, I was a very quiet person, not very popular and never had that 'best friend'. I missed having that special friend at that time because everyone around me seemd to be having one. College was no different cause it was a very different environment from school. It was a culture shock for me and many people dont believe this, but I wanted college to get over as soon as possible.

But after I started woring things changed. I suddenly became more outgoing and now the closest friends that I have are my ex collegues. I have made some amazingly good friends over orkut. I met one over the weekend and we were chatting and laughing for over 4 hours this saturday. The CCD girl almost threw us away. :)

My lovely lovely friends in SGI whom I can trust with my life. Who have played a great role in the last 2 years. Who have moulded me to be the positive person I am today.

My weekends are now packed and booked much in advance. I literally have to juggle time with friends over the weekends. And to think that hoildays were the most depressing days since I usually used to be home alone.

Even my school friends are amazed at the change in me. And the last 3 reunions have been organised by me :).

Yes, nothing feels as good as being appreciated, being told that people missed you. That people genuinely care for you and like you for what you are. It is also a responsibility because then, you also have to learn to care and love them as much as they do. Not that it is difficult but somewhere, you dont want to let them down with your actions.

And I have some good concrete plans about what I want to do in life. I shall not be a drifted from now on but a doer. And I am putting in writing what I want:

- A good job. Not that my current job is bad, in fact its a very good profile. but I am getting complacent now and need a change in my attitude. I want to do something different. And yes, I need the money too :)

- Learn to drive a car and buy one too. I love going on drives. Till now I always thought buying a car was a luxury but I realied that I am never more happier than when I am travelling. I absoluteley love to travel.Yes, I dont mind even the traffic jams if I dont have to recah somewhere on time :)

- Buy my own house in Mumbai.

- Retire by the time I am 45.

- have my own travel related business.

- Learn Bharatnatyam. Yes. I am a lousy dancer with absolutely no grace or poise. But I still want to learn how to dance.

- I want to connect to my SGI friends. Really connect with them and I need to do away with my laziness if I want to achieve that.

I know all the above are very lofty targets. But thats what I want. I really really want and I know that I can achieve all of this and more. Much much more. My life is not anymore dependant on someone elses approval but I am dependant only on myself now.

And yes. I am in love. In love with life now. In love with myself. In love with the person I have become. Love they way I have struggled to stand up and be myself, all over again.

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