Nice

And What a year it has been... Great would be an understatement...And what did i do this year??

- Danced with a total stranger on the dance floor without any inhibitions for the first time in my life...
- Got a promotion
- Headed my unit in office
- fell in love
- Made some great friends
- and finally... bought my own house in Mumbai... Yes... did it finally....

And the next year shall be even better than the last...

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Clarity

Ask and you shall get it. Clarity is what I wanted and clarity is what I got.

The last 15 days or so have been sucha roller coster ride for me emotionally. Happy, sober, sensible, calm, a little mellow, peaceful, thoughtful,wild, but not sad... No. Not at all sad.

Maybe the reason why im not sad is that I now know that everything happens for the best. You may not know it at that time, but when you look back and think of the things and the events that happened, you know that there is someone up there who wants the best for you and shall not let you down.

Friends have played a very important part in my being the person that I am today. I now realise that the ugly events taht happened in my life a few years ago were so that I am a stronger person. My past is the reason why I am such an open and outgoing person now. It has helped me put things in perspective and I am no longer judgemental about people. I am now willing to experiment and not hesitant to try out new things. I dont care about what people think about me as long as I know that I am being true to myself and not hurting anyone. I am now more receptive to ideas and am able to empathise with others. Not that I was a bad person earlier but I was definitely naive and foolish.

And everday I count my blessings for the wonderful friends that I have in my life. Friends without whom I would not have been the person I am today. Friends who have traced me back after 10 years to say that they missed me. Friends who tell me that they like being with me because Im not judgemental and a loving person. Who have trusted me with their secrets. Friends with whom I can be myself and can go for honest advise anytime I want. Friends with whom I go without being in touch for months on end, but when we speak, it is a heart to herat conversation without any pretences. dont know what I would have done without them.

When I was in school, I was a very quiet person, not very popular and never had that 'best friend'. I missed having that special friend at that time because everyone around me seemd to be having one. College was no different cause it was a very different environment from school. It was a culture shock for me and many people dont believe this, but I wanted college to get over as soon as possible.

But after I started woring things changed. I suddenly became more outgoing and now the closest friends that I have are my ex collegues. I have made some amazingly good friends over orkut. I met one over the weekend and we were chatting and laughing for over 4 hours this saturday. The CCD girl almost threw us away. :)

My lovely lovely friends in SGI whom I can trust with my life. Who have played a great role in the last 2 years. Who have moulded me to be the positive person I am today.

My weekends are now packed and booked much in advance. I literally have to juggle time with friends over the weekends. And to think that hoildays were the most depressing days since I usually used to be home alone.

Even my school friends are amazed at the change in me. And the last 3 reunions have been organised by me :).

Yes, nothing feels as good as being appreciated, being told that people missed you. That people genuinely care for you and like you for what you are. It is also a responsibility because then, you also have to learn to care and love them as much as they do. Not that it is difficult but somewhere, you dont want to let them down with your actions.

And I have some good concrete plans about what I want to do in life. I shall not be a drifted from now on but a doer. And I am putting in writing what I want:

- A good job. Not that my current job is bad, in fact its a very good profile. but I am getting complacent now and need a change in my attitude. I want to do something different. And yes, I need the money too :)

- Learn to drive a car and buy one too. I love going on drives. Till now I always thought buying a car was a luxury but I realied that I am never more happier than when I am travelling. I absoluteley love to travel.Yes, I dont mind even the traffic jams if I dont have to recah somewhere on time :)

- Buy my own house in Mumbai.

- Retire by the time I am 45.

- have my own travel related business.

- Learn Bharatnatyam. Yes. I am a lousy dancer with absolutely no grace or poise. But I still want to learn how to dance.

- I want to connect to my SGI friends. Really connect with them and I need to do away with my laziness if I want to achieve that.

I know all the above are very lofty targets. But thats what I want. I really really want and I know that I can achieve all of this and more. Much much more. My life is not anymore dependant on someone elses approval but I am dependant only on myself now.

And yes. I am in love. In love with life now. In love with myself. In love with the person I have become. Love they way I have struggled to stand up and be myself, all over again.

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HMMM

Long time Iv been here. I miss this place. Was caught up in loads of work in office and no time at all. So, what have I been upto? Heres what:

- One weeknd with family in Srivardhan
- Next weekend with friends on a trek to Tionagadh
- Next weekend with friends on a drive to Lonavala
- Next weekend lunch party with friends followed h a outing to a pub (my first time)... I danced on the dance floor without any inhibitions (yippeee)
- Have been house hunting desperately as my home is going to be redeveloped next month and I need a place to stay... very difficult to find the right house in Mumbai
- Passsed by the first guy that I fell in love with last week, Ive got over him a long time ago, but this entire week there was this goofy smile on my face just thining about the old old times... he is such a good and decent human being... guess i shall always be a tiny weeny bit in love with him for ever :)

And the best (or the worst part), Im in love... yes I am... I denyed it, refused to believe it, but thats the truth and well.. nothing can be done about it...

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Courage

Need courage...

Courage to speak up against something which is so obviously wrong. Need to set things right once and for all.

Need to face my demons, only then can I truly move on in life. Just becaue Ive swept them under the carpet does not mean that they have disappeared.

But Im scared. This is the only thing that Im scared of. Not because Im wrong but because of the bitterness and the misery that shall engulf me if I have the courage to speak up.

Courage, wisdom and clarity... things that I need most at this point in time..

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Realisation

Ok... All men are the same (atleast the ones Ive met)...

But he was honest from the beginning about his feelings... so no bitterness, no issues. I made a good friend, spent some beautiful moments with him, he made me happy for the time that he was with me.

Love you in a special way... :)

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Last Few Days

- Work life is busy. Added responsibilities. Which is a good thing since many people seem to have that kind of confidence in me. Makes me slightly nervous. Hope I can live up to their expectations. The next few weeks shall be very hectic. Nice. Since I had become very lazy.

- Ran the marathon last Sunday. The dream run. Great experience. Amazing how total strangers irrespective of class, creed, race, religion,colour, gender, come out to cheer others. There were live bands, music, and a general carnival atmosphere. Plan to run the half marathon next year. have to train for it though. Would be fun to run on the Bandra Worli sea link.

- Met friends the week before. It was an overnight thing. My trekking group. And we were laughing non stop for 5 hours. Drank a lot. Went out for street side coffee at 330 in the morning. Did not sleep the entire night, sang songs, danced, opened champagne and had a fabulous time. Having such good friends is such a blessing.

- Saw a play yesterday at Prithvi. "Sex, Morality and Censorship". It was about censorship in art. Specifically in theatre. Awesome play. Must watch. Amazing scripting, great acting and fabulous everything... It was an eyeopener for me. It was based on a Marathi play and the furore it created in the 70's. I am a Maharashtrian and its a pity that I know so little about my own culture.

- After the play went out for dinner with a friend and her date. The date found me more interesting than her, made it very obvious, she too noticed it. I did not like the feeling and felt like an intruder. Tried to be rude to him and act uninteresting. He has sent me a friend request on FB. I think I shall ignore it. Makes me think, "Why does it always happen that the wrong types fall for me and I manage to drive the interesting ones away?"

- And among all the above activities , I missed him terribly. Could not (cant) get him out of my mind. It did not help that we had an argument and are not in touch since the last 3 weeks or so. I so so wanted him to be with me when I was doing all the above things. But I know that it was not my fault in whatever happened and I just spoke my mind. Too bad that he does not seem to think so. Should I initiate a conversation again? But I have taken efforts and he does not seem to want to reciprocate. I have to be strong.

- Am going for a trip to Alibaug in a couple of weeks. Looking forward to that. Should be fun.

My social life is quite busy which is a really good thing. But there is something missing. Wish that something could be fixed magically . *sigh*.

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Is it Love?

He insists that I am in love with him.

I say I am not.

Yes, I do care about him.

Yes, I do think about him a lot. In fact I think about him all the time.

Yes, I am fond of him.

But no, I don’t think I am in love.

He does not seem convinced.

Which makes me think: Am I really in love with him?

Which also makes me think: Is he in love with me? I am scared to ask him that. What if the answer is yes?

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Someone Special

Sometimes it so happens that someone comes into our life suddenly. That person brings us joy and happiness and makes us feel special. Life suddenly becomes beautiful. One such person came in my life 2 months ago.

We had stayed in the same society for almost 25 years, grew up together, went to the same school, but as we were not in the same age group, we had a different set of friends and never really knew anything about each other except each others’ names. In the so many years that we knew each other, wehave hardly spoken 5 sentences to other than the occasional ‘Hi’.

Then some 3 years ago I changed houses and went to live in a different part of the city for 6 months. I again changed my house and came to stay in the same locality. Somewhere along the way, orkut happened and we managed to find each other. We chatted on and off and generally knew more than each others names like where we worked, what our mutual friends were doing etc. The chat was not a regular feature and we managed to catch each other online pretty infrequently say about once in 3-4 months. We had exchanged cell numbers and did (or rather he) send general forwarded jokes. Sometimes I replied, sometimes I did not. We did not think much about this.

Then 2 months ago, we exchanged messages. Nothing out of the ordinary, but as we messagaed, we realized that we were actually having a conversation and both of us ended speaking to each other as if we were long lost friends and we realized that we haven’t spoken so much in the years that we ‘knew’ each other as much as we had shared in the 2 hours that we were chatting. We were telling each other about our feelings in our past relationships which both of us had not shared with anyone.

This became a regular feature since that day when no matter how late we come home, we sms each other other and have a conversations. Sometimes it’s a meaningful conversation and sometimes we end up just flirting. Most often than not we end up chatting about nothing rather that something. These sms chats last late into the night . Im sleeping for just about 5 hours daily. This coming from me, who used to get irritated even if slept for ½ hour less.

We don’t have anything in common with each other. I love books. He hates books. I love romantic movies, he loves action. Im shy and an introvert. He cannot do without people around him. Hes the leader, im the follower. Hes outspoken, Im reserved. Hes flamboyant, I’m the exact opposite. They only thing that we have in common is our love for a particular type of Bengali sweet. But in some strange way we still seem to have connected.

For the first time, Ive found someone who cares for me. Who makes me laugh. Who says something silly and then messages me saying 'smile like this always'. Who asks me how my day was. Who wants me to share even the most mundane thing of my life and gives me a patient hearing. Who understands what I mean without being judgmental. Who can tell if Im upset just by the way I send my messages. And who bothers to ask what is wrong. Who gives me my space, who tells me that its perfectly ok if I don’t want to tell him something, who pestered me and bullied me to visit the doc when I was not well. Who actually told me that he’ll come with me to give me company at the doctor’s when I said that I don’t have the patience to wait at the clinic.

He is not perfect though. He has a major ego problem. He’s told me that himself. He insisted me to go to the doc, but totally ignored his health for a good three days before he took medicines. He is very stubborn and does not listen to anyone even if they beg and plead.

Inspite of all this, he’s special. I too have started caring for him. I haven’t felt this way about someone in a long, a really long time now. We have had our arguments and fights and making up after the fights too in the last couple of months.

And all this has happened only over smses. We have spoken to each other only 4 times in the last 2 months. Twice was for professional reasons and twice was because he wanted to inform me that his messaging service is not working. Inspite of working in the same area and living about ½ a kilometer from each other we have still not met. Not even accidentally bumped into each other.

And now I think its time to end it. Not because we don’t want to take this ahead but there shall not be a logical conclusion to this. I don’t want to get carried away and lose even the beautiful time that we shared together. It was good while it lasted and I think the time has come for me to wane myself from him. He was the warm sunshine that came into my life on a winter morning and I want to remember him the same way.

There is this line from my favourite movie- ‘You’ve Got Mail’- ‘We have usually spoken mostly about nothing rather than something. But all these nothings have meant more, much more for me that so many somethings.’. Take care and happiness always. You shall always be special.

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Trust

Trust. Its so diffult to gain and once broken cannot be ragained no matter what. And when the person who breaks your trust happens to be a friend whom you thought was close to you, you really dont know how to react.

It happened to me a couple of days ago. I had told something to a friend of mine about another friend. She did something which I never thought she shall do. She told this to his ex GF which messed up life for both of them.

It was not expected of her. This happened two years ago and I was totally anaware of this. The friend thought I had betrayed his trust which was true to an extent.

I am shocked and shaken on realising that someone whom I trusted could do such a thing. And for what? Just to ruin a relationship among a couple who were together for sometime and now moved on? What would she have gained in all this? Very difficult for me to fathom. Been disturbed since the last couple of days because of this.

And going by this, she would also be spreading all kind of mean and nasty things about me to others... I really dont know what to think. And to think that after a long time I had actually started trusting people. I absolutely hate lies and I seem to attract liers to me...

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I learnt a few things about me:

- Guys think I am intelligent and they find intelligent women intimidating.

- They think that Im nice and sweet and friendly etc but also unapproachable. Dont know what to make of this :-)

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Am I supressing all my feelings? Am I putting on a mask of being happy when I really not? Questions,questions and more questions.

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Choices

I am facing a dilemma... I have to make a choice about something and I dont know what decision to take. Even if I take a decision, I dont know weather it shall be right or wrong.

I have been in such a situation before and all the times I have ended up taking the wrong decisions which have changed my life forever.

I dont want to go through that again. But however much I think about it, the more confused I get. If ony i get a sign... a sign which helps me take the right decision for once.

I was happy, very happy a couple of days ago and now, Im not so sure about anything.

Someone help me... why cant things be simple and life less uncomplicated *sigh*...

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--Ive started thinking about mortality a lot nowadays... not mine but my loved ones and the thought of that is very very scary. We all know that we have t die someday but still...

--I guess for the first time spent diwali away from Mumbai. Went to Panchgani and Pune and had a great time...Fell in love with Panchgani all over again.

--everyone, weather they are rich or poor, good or bad are all given 24 hours in a day. What they make of those 24 hours depends on them. So it is pointless cribbing about how lucky some people are... and how life in unfair. We all get chances and opportunities at some point of time. Its just that most of us are too blind/dumb at that point to think, really think about what they mean to us.

--- I have learnt that you cannot depend on anyone for emotional, physical,financial support. At the end of the day, you have to take care of ourselves. Yes, friends an family is there, but they can just listen to you an give you advice. But you have to fight your own battles. and yes, it does definitely get very very lonely at times...

-- There is this calmness about me. Dont know weather its good or bad. ont know weather Im happy being myself or that Ive just given up an have adjusted with the situation.

---Small things can make you happy. Like random strangers smiling at you because you happened to take the same bus in the morning and suddenly met in the evening again.

--- There is this bus Im taking to office nowadays. The conductor and the driver and are very sweet and take good care of the passengers inspite of the bus being overloaded. They make it a point to have a good word to say and chat up with the regular commuters. Its peps up everyone and the mornings are pleasant with lots of smiling faces around inspite of the mad rush and the terrible Mumbai heat...

--- 2009 is almost coming to a close an nothing, nothing special / noteworthy has happened this year till now. So far, its been the most boring year for me.

--- I want something major and nice to happen in my life.... but it seems as if Ive been waiting forever for that something to happen....

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Im Busy

Ive been away from here for a very long time... I do read blogs but no time to comment and write new blogs...

My personal life is suddenly busy with most of the weekends literally booked in advance doing one activity or the other. And Im loving all of this.

Saw Wake Up Sid a couple of days ago and it is a must watch movie. I could relate to that movie in so many ways especially the way Ranbir's character is trying to study Financial Accounts. Dreaded that subject in college and during my TYBCOM exams, it was the first time in my life after giving an exam, I cried. It was that awful. Luckily I manged to pass it. Ranbir has really acted well. Rahul Khanna looks absolutey dishy.... Had a major crush on him during my college days when he used to be a VJ on MTV...He looks sos sos so good.. Konkana as usual is a talented actress. Would love to see her in a light herated comedy movie sometime.

Had been on a trek a couple of months ago and am writing (trying) to write a travelogue... Shall publish it as soon as Im done. (Dosent help that Ive written just a paragraph since the last month)...

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Random Thoughts

- Like why do I behave the way I do? I do want to someone nice and decent ... but that shall not be possible if I find everybody boring. Can I? Like yesterday, I got a call from this guy, we were talking for quite sometime- an hour actually and I still could not feel the spark in the conversation. I was replying to all his questions, was not rude, was listening to him, but was still bored. I just did not know how to end the conversation because if I abruptly ended it, it would seem rude and I did not want to be rude. He was a nice enough guy but I somehow don't want to have any further communication with him.. I guess he shall want to meet me but I don't want that. I always find it difficult to say no to anyone. How do I get out of the situation?

- Like where do people go when they want to cry without others noticing them? I cant do that at home because there are other around and other times I am in office. So what I do is I use the office washroom. And the best part is that since neither my eyes nor my nose are red due to the tears, no one notices.

- Like I sometimes feel that looking for a partner is such a waste of time and energy... You get random calls from people, the same conversation and then the dead ends... I mean is it so difficult to find someone interesting or is there a problem with me? The guys for some reason don't find me boring even if I am not showing interest or just listening to them. For some reason they think that I'm interesting/brainy. And then I don't know how to avoid taking their calls...

- Like I don't know where my life is heading.... everything is at a standstill.

- Like whatever happened to courtesy?

- Like men are such difficult people to understand? Why cant they just be themselves and not pretend to be what they are not and complicate matter for all involved?

- Like why am I not excited even though I'm going on a long awaited trek in a couple of weeks?

- Like where has all the enthusiasm and energy gone out of my life?

-Like why am I become so cynical and suspicious of everything and everyone around me?

- Like why cant I ever ever manage to have proper paragraphs/spacing in my posts? Whatever I do, I can never manage to have paragraphs... The entire thing looks so cluttered.

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Weird things about me...

Yogesh has tagged me... This is the first time that someone has tagged me and I hope I do it the proper way... I'm supposed to write 7 weird things about me... So here goes..

1. I can day dream for the entire day... I have a very wild imagination and my favourite activity is to hold a book/newspaper in front of me and dream away to glory... I can sit for hours together and even do the same in office in front of the PC :)

2. I have the habit of speaking to myself.... I don't notice it but sometimes my colleagues just stare at me and say 'Why are you speaking to yourself/smiling to yourself?' . I guess I do the same while walking on the road alone because many (most) of the times I suddenly see people staring at me and giving me weird looks.

3. I am not a bit scared of watching horror movies... In fact I am quite amused at the imagination of the director./the scriptwriter... I feel funny when people say that they are scared of these silly movies...

4. I can walk for hours together especially when I am alone... I feel its irritating to have company when I walk even if its from the station to my house. I never understood this thing about having company while walking. I love to walk lost in my own thoughts...

5. I am a loner and like to travel alone. I don't like company when I am travelling and I find it very irritating to play antakshari when on a picnic/trip... I don't mind if the others do it, but I don't like to be dragged into it... I just enjoy to look out of the window and appreciate the scenery. And I also fight for the window seat... never mind if its a kid that I'm fighting with...

6. When at a party or a social event, I don't like to be anywhere near the singing/dancing/games events... Id rather sit somewhere behind and play with the kids or people watch . And yes I absolutely hate to make small talk and chit chat especially at weddings... I fact I even find weddings extremely boring..

7. If I want to avoid talking to certain people/ want them to ignore me, i play dumb... They lose interest after sometime and I am happy without being rude to them...

I am sure after reading that above, I shall be officially branded what most people think I am.. ' boring and khadoos'... but that's the way I like it :-)

I have been absolutely honest here and I hope I have done justice to this tag

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Terrible Week

Just when I thought nothing effects me and I have become immune to all feelings something happens which shakes me up...

This happened on Friday. I was walking back home from a fancy shopping mall, having bought some totally unnecessary cosmetics, a Rs. 400/- scratch guard for my newly acquired fancy cell, saving the same cell from the rains by keeping it in a plastic bag and still worrying weather the rain drops shall get into it...

It had stopped raining and I was near a traffic signal. Suddenly I spot this shall young girl, around 3 years old, sitting near a shop door. The shutter of the shop was down and the child was sitting with a very sad a morose expression on her face. The expression on her face was as if she had lost all hope in life and she was all very tired of everything... She looked like an urchin but a pretty clean one... It almost seemed as if she had run away from her house and had nowhere to stay. Her clothes were quite clean. There were a few plastic bags near her which seemed the only belongings that she had.

The next thing that I saw almost broke my heart... Next to her, there was another girl around 4 years old, her thin nylon salwar drenched in rain water, a thin dupatta covering her head sleeping with her face towards the shutter. She was probably not well and shivering with the cold. She was so tiny and her legs pulled tightly towards her chest that I would have easily missed her. She was lying on a a small stone on the pavement.

I asked the younger girl where her mother was and she generally pointed in the direction of the road... I asked the shopkeepers around and everybody looked at them as if they were seeing the two children for the first time. One of the told me that these are the part of the group that beg on the signal nearby and their mother would also be somewhere around...

I asked the child weather she was hungry and she just nodded. The only thing that I could do was to buy two packets of biscuits and give it to the girl with the hope that she eats them and the mother does not sell it of... How I wish I could have taken both the girls home, given them a proper meal and some warm clothes... I really felt ashamed to be carrying such a expensive phone around and worrying about totally frivolous matters...

I love Bombay and the people in this city but when I see incidents like this and the way we treat our children, I feel that somewhere we have failed miserably....There are so many such children living like this and most often that not, we are so engrossed in our daily routines that we turn a blind eye to them...

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Last week was generally very depressing... Im not able to find a house that I want and my best friend's marriage is breaking... The second is a shocker.... I never never thought that there was something wrong in their relationship... They were my ideal couple... I still cant get over it...

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Happy

And I'm happy happy happy......I'm not having any expectations out of anything, I'm just taking things as they come.... :) Touchwood....

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Love

And I really really really want to fall in love...

Love someone hopelessly, totally, completely...

And I want to that to happen now.....

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Just another girl....

Alone and very very lonely...
Yes, there are people around me.
Yes I do laugh and cry,
Yes, I joke and fool around,
I do the things that I'm suppossed to do,
I look like a person who is unbreakable,
That I can manage everything perfectly
That I dont need anyone to make me feel complete
That I am my own person.
That I am capable of taking my own decisions
That I am calm and composed when things are falling apart around me
I know that I am all of the above and lot more...

But I also know that somewhere I am also a girl
Who likes to be pampered, who likes to be sometimes taken care of,
Who just want to be free and be herself, who does not always have to be right,
Who needs atention even though I may never show it,
Who needs to share the small joys of life
Who sometimes wants a shoulder to cry on,


A girl who is at times scared and very very alone and lonely
Yes, I am all this and more... because after all Im just a girl....
alone and very very lonely

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I want to write a poem

I want to write, write a poem.
A poem on love, a poem on hope,
a poem on passion, on life
and life after love,
of love which is so complete
where there are no expectations,
where there are smiles and laughter
where there are tears,
where there is pleasure in tears
where there is a feeling of completeness
where you are no more alone
but the perfect words dont seem to flow
to complete the perfect world of love and fulfillment....

(I know that this poem is utter nonsense... but this is what i felt,the words just flowed and the this seems to make perfect sense to me)

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Crossroads...

Why do even the simple things in life be so difficult to achieve. You do everything th
at you are supposed to do, and then luck/ destiny and the other crap happens. In the end everything is about luck… doesn’t hard work have any role to play?

People always say that you should have a positive attitude towards life and positive things happen to you. But why is it that whenever I try to think positive, everything just falls apart and things get more messed up? Then the cycle of negativity and depression starts all over again…

I am a very independent person and too proud to ask anyone for help… but for the first time in my life I want someone to take all my decisions for me and tell me exactly what to do. Do miracles really happen???

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