Clarity

Ask and you shall get it. Clarity is what I wanted and clarity is what I got.

The last 15 days or so have been sucha roller coster ride for me emotionally. Happy, sober, sensible, calm, a little mellow, peaceful, thoughtful,wild, but not sad... No. Not at all sad.

Maybe the reason why im not sad is that I now know that everything happens for the best. You may not know it at that time, but when you look back and think of the things and the events that happened, you know that there is someone up there who wants the best for you and shall not let you down.

Friends have played a very important part in my being the person that I am today. I now realise that the ugly events taht happened in my life a few years ago were so that I am a stronger person. My past is the reason why I am such an open and outgoing person now. It has helped me put things in perspective and I am no longer judgemental about people. I am now willing to experiment and not hesitant to try out new things. I dont care about what people think about me as long as I know that I am being true to myself and not hurting anyone. I am now more receptive to ideas and am able to empathise with others. Not that I was a bad person earlier but I was definitely naive and foolish.

And everday I count my blessings for the wonderful friends that I have in my life. Friends without whom I would not have been the person I am today. Friends who have traced me back after 10 years to say that they missed me. Friends who tell me that they like being with me because Im not judgemental and a loving person. Who have trusted me with their secrets. Friends with whom I can be myself and can go for honest advise anytime I want. Friends with whom I go without being in touch for months on end, but when we speak, it is a heart to herat conversation without any pretences. dont know what I would have done without them.

When I was in school, I was a very quiet person, not very popular and never had that 'best friend'. I missed having that special friend at that time because everyone around me seemd to be having one. College was no different cause it was a very different environment from school. It was a culture shock for me and many people dont believe this, but I wanted college to get over as soon as possible.

But after I started woring things changed. I suddenly became more outgoing and now the closest friends that I have are my ex collegues. I have made some amazingly good friends over orkut. I met one over the weekend and we were chatting and laughing for over 4 hours this saturday. The CCD girl almost threw us away. :)

My lovely lovely friends in SGI whom I can trust with my life. Who have played a great role in the last 2 years. Who have moulded me to be the positive person I am today.

My weekends are now packed and booked much in advance. I literally have to juggle time with friends over the weekends. And to think that hoildays were the most depressing days since I usually used to be home alone.

Even my school friends are amazed at the change in me. And the last 3 reunions have been organised by me :).

Yes, nothing feels as good as being appreciated, being told that people missed you. That people genuinely care for you and like you for what you are. It is also a responsibility because then, you also have to learn to care and love them as much as they do. Not that it is difficult but somewhere, you dont want to let them down with your actions.

And I have some good concrete plans about what I want to do in life. I shall not be a drifted from now on but a doer. And I am putting in writing what I want:

- A good job. Not that my current job is bad, in fact its a very good profile. but I am getting complacent now and need a change in my attitude. I want to do something different. And yes, I need the money too :)

- Learn to drive a car and buy one too. I love going on drives. Till now I always thought buying a car was a luxury but I realied that I am never more happier than when I am travelling. I absoluteley love to travel.Yes, I dont mind even the traffic jams if I dont have to recah somewhere on time :)

- Buy my own house in Mumbai.

- Retire by the time I am 45.

- have my own travel related business.

- Learn Bharatnatyam. Yes. I am a lousy dancer with absolutely no grace or poise. But I still want to learn how to dance.

- I want to connect to my SGI friends. Really connect with them and I need to do away with my laziness if I want to achieve that.

I know all the above are very lofty targets. But thats what I want. I really really want and I know that I can achieve all of this and more. Much much more. My life is not anymore dependant on someone elses approval but I am dependant only on myself now.

And yes. I am in love. In love with life now. In love with myself. In love with the person I have become. Love they way I have struggled to stand up and be myself, all over again.