Expectations

There are certain people whom we care and love and they are special to us in some way.

We expect them to behave and do certain things in the manner we want them to.

If they do not, we shout and scream and cry because we think we care about them and want the best for them.

Sometimes they agree to do things our way because they too care. and we are happy bacause we think that they too are happy and that is the best for them.

But are they really happy or are they doing it because we want them to. But do we care? Do we care that its broken their heart and they are really unhappy deep down because they would rather do something else?

If they dont, we resent them and are unhappy and try not to think of them. We stop caring and loving them.

And then one day they go. Then you realise that you never even got to say goodbye or thank you or sorry or love you .

And that you had never stopped loving or caring about them and you can do anything, just anything to be able to spend even a moment together and to tell them that you miss them and they were the only ones who ever made you feel complete.

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Death

Kannan died today. Not that I knew him that well, we had worked together in the same organisation but for different teams and never really interacted. It came as a shock to me. He died of an heart attack. The first one when he was in office and the second one when he was being shifted to the hospital. He died on the way and he was my age.

Remember the time someone else had died so suddenly 8 years ago. We stayed in the same society and he was my studying partner. It was my last year in college and I used to stay up late. Everyone in the society used to be fast asleep but I never felt alone because he too used to stay up to study and I used to feel good seeing the lights on in his house. I was comforted with the thought that Im not the only one slogging. He was studying dentistry. Strangely we never spoke to each other.

And then one day he died. Just like that. He came home from a wedding and died from brain hammoreage. No one was at home. He was to receive his results the next week. Wouldve become a doctor.

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Of Crabs and Sikkim

A colleague and me reading the same article in the newspaper.

I say" Wow, what a nice picture.I want to go there now"

She says, " Me too."

Both of us drooling all over the article.

Another colleague passes by and says, what are you two staring at?

She says " There is this restaurant which has opened which serves amazing crabs. We were thinking of going there now."

I say" What crab? I was thinking of going to Sikkim. There is a group here which offers a trek in Sikkim for Rs. 16000/-. I was looking at the lovely snap that the've posted."

It is then that we notice that there is this picture of a crab and Sikkim both in the same article.

Different people different choices. None were possible in the immediate future. So we get back to work dreaming about crabs and Sikkim.

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random thoughts

Its navratri time again. Its not much fun here in Bombay as it is in Gujarat.

Love the way everybody dances there in true traditional style.

Here its just a musical evening with singers with little talent belting out hindi numbers and most of the public just listening to the songs. Not much dance happens.

Remember the navratris during school days. They always used to clash with emester exams and we ued to get to dance only on weekends that too after finishing studies. We used to look forward to navratris during those days.

It has just become a nuisance now with people just wearing designer clothes and showing off. And the 10 pm deadline just seems to have killed the entire thing.

Ganpati, Navratri, Dussehra and then diwali followed by new years...somehow the enthusiasm seems to have died a long time ago for these festivals. Is it just me or is this the same with everyone? I wonder....

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Just another day

Do I really need to explain myself to anyone?

If people have wrong perceptions about me, do I need to correct them? And even if I do, will it make difference to them or me?

Just because I choose to ignore most of the silly and immature comments made by the general junta round me, does that really give them a right to say whatever they feel like saying no matter what the other person feels? And do they really care about the explanations that I give?

These and other questions bothered me today. And then I decided, that it was futile to ruminate on the same things and lose my peace of mind in the bargain. Because those people are at this momenet probably sleeping peacefully after having had the peverse pleasure of saying nasty things and seeing me all wound up and angry and irritated and being very proud of the fact because they consider themselves to be very outright and honet.

Hence I'm going to behave very normally tomorrow as if nothing has happened so that they can again comment on how thick skinned/dumb I am.

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What am I?

I think that I am totally useless.

I can’t sing
I can’t dance
I can’t play a musical instrument
I don’t play any sport
I can’t paint
I’m not good at wisecracks
I’m an introvert
I’m not a good talker
I don’t follow cricket that regularly
I rarely watch TV except of the advertisements sometimes
I don’t bowl, play chess, scrabble,tennis,football,anything
I can’t swim
I don’t like to eat
I can’t cook
I’m not good looking (I’m cute/pretty but not good-looking)
I don’t have a great sense of dressing
I can’t speak about any topic in depth (I do read a lot but am not a master of anything)
I hate taking favors from anyone even my close friends
I don’t have a great sense of humor
I’m uncomfortable speaking with new people
I’m absolutely hopeless at parties
I can’t even write well
I don’t know where my life is heading
I’ve no aim no ambition….


People think am weird because;

Id rather take the stairs than use the elevator even while coming down from the 21st floor

I walk from cuffe parade to churchgate because I love looking at the houses and architecture along the way and the children playing at oval and look at the trees and the gardens along the way.

I love old houses.

I travel by second class compartments while in Bombay but when I’m on a vacation I fly.

I go on long trips/vacations alone.

I love staying alone

I hate chatting with people while am traveling.

I don't like to play antakshari

I stare at people (I think I am observing them)

I love to walk, walk and walk.

I don’t spend money on designer clothes even when I can afford them.

I shed tears even when I watch a sentimental silly ad on TV

I wear an old outdated watch just because it has sentimental value attached.

I don’t have my hair colored/styled in the latest fashion.

I generally have only two pairs of shoes and continue wearing them till they are unusable.
I visit art galleries to see paintings even though I dont understand a thing about art.

I love walking along the lanes and byelanes of Fort.

I don’t butter people even if it’s going to benefit me.

I defend and protect my friends even if I end up fighting with someone.

I can never say no…

I can stare into space lost in my thoughts for hours together.

I can’t mask my feelings…and am very blunt and not at all diplomatic in my conversations.

Hence I've decided that I am both- useless as well as weird.

But when I get a call from a very old acquaintance after 6 years saying that he has traced my no after lots of efforts and had just called to ask how I was, and when out of the blue someone calls me to say that her life has become very complicated and she could not think of anyone except me to speak about it, I think that maybe, just maybe am not all that useless and weird.

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