Books

Am reading 'The Kite Runner'. Wonder how I missed reading this book. Have read the second book my the same author. I've forgotten the name. Its quite amazing that I always seem to forget the name of the books and the author that I've read but remember the storyline.

Anyways, The Kite Runner is an amazing book. Quite disturbing and depressing but extremely well written. Its not helping that I'm generally in a very sad state since the last week or so. And when Im in a depressing mood, I love reading books. I just tend to forget the state that my life is in, and get immersed in them. Nothing like a good book and coffee for company. You dont need anybody then. Movies dont even come close . There are times when even if Im watching a very good movie, my mind tends to drift but it does not happen when Im reading. Wonder if its just me or it happens with everybody else too.

Am dying to complete it and then shall go searching for an equally engrossing book.

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Expectations

There are certain people whom we care and love and they are special to us in some way.

We expect them to behave and do certain things in the manner we want them to.

If they do not, we shout and scream and cry because we think we care about them and want the best for them.

Sometimes they agree to do things our way because they too care. and we are happy bacause we think that they too are happy and that is the best for them.

But are they really happy or are they doing it because we want them to. But do we care? Do we care that its broken their heart and they are really unhappy deep down because they would rather do something else?

If they dont, we resent them and are unhappy and try not to think of them. We stop caring and loving them.

And then one day they go. Then you realise that you never even got to say goodbye or thank you or sorry or love you .

And that you had never stopped loving or caring about them and you can do anything, just anything to be able to spend even a moment together and to tell them that you miss them and they were the only ones who ever made you feel complete.

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Death

Kannan died today. Not that I knew him that well, we had worked together in the same organisation but for different teams and never really interacted. It came as a shock to me. He died of an heart attack. The first one when he was in office and the second one when he was being shifted to the hospital. He died on the way and he was my age.

Remember the time someone else had died so suddenly 8 years ago. We stayed in the same society and he was my studying partner. It was my last year in college and I used to stay up late. Everyone in the society used to be fast asleep but I never felt alone because he too used to stay up to study and I used to feel good seeing the lights on in his house. I was comforted with the thought that Im not the only one slogging. He was studying dentistry. Strangely we never spoke to each other.

And then one day he died. Just like that. He came home from a wedding and died from brain hammoreage. No one was at home. He was to receive his results the next week. Wouldve become a doctor.

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Of Crabs and Sikkim

A colleague and me reading the same article in the newspaper.

I say" Wow, what a nice picture.I want to go there now"

She says, " Me too."

Both of us drooling all over the article.

Another colleague passes by and says, what are you two staring at?

She says " There is this restaurant which has opened which serves amazing crabs. We were thinking of going there now."

I say" What crab? I was thinking of going to Sikkim. There is a group here which offers a trek in Sikkim for Rs. 16000/-. I was looking at the lovely snap that the've posted."

It is then that we notice that there is this picture of a crab and Sikkim both in the same article.

Different people different choices. None were possible in the immediate future. So we get back to work dreaming about crabs and Sikkim.

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random thoughts

Its navratri time again. Its not much fun here in Bombay as it is in Gujarat.

Love the way everybody dances there in true traditional style.

Here its just a musical evening with singers with little talent belting out hindi numbers and most of the public just listening to the songs. Not much dance happens.

Remember the navratris during school days. They always used to clash with emester exams and we ued to get to dance only on weekends that too after finishing studies. We used to look forward to navratris during those days.

It has just become a nuisance now with people just wearing designer clothes and showing off. And the 10 pm deadline just seems to have killed the entire thing.

Ganpati, Navratri, Dussehra and then diwali followed by new years...somehow the enthusiasm seems to have died a long time ago for these festivals. Is it just me or is this the same with everyone? I wonder....

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Just another day

Do I really need to explain myself to anyone?

If people have wrong perceptions about me, do I need to correct them? And even if I do, will it make difference to them or me?

Just because I choose to ignore most of the silly and immature comments made by the general junta round me, does that really give them a right to say whatever they feel like saying no matter what the other person feels? And do they really care about the explanations that I give?

These and other questions bothered me today. And then I decided, that it was futile to ruminate on the same things and lose my peace of mind in the bargain. Because those people are at this momenet probably sleeping peacefully after having had the peverse pleasure of saying nasty things and seeing me all wound up and angry and irritated and being very proud of the fact because they consider themselves to be very outright and honet.

Hence I'm going to behave very normally tomorrow as if nothing has happened so that they can again comment on how thick skinned/dumb I am.

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What am I?

I think that I am totally useless.

I can’t sing
I can’t dance
I can’t play a musical instrument
I don’t play any sport
I can’t paint
I’m not good at wisecracks
I’m an introvert
I’m not a good talker
I don’t follow cricket that regularly
I rarely watch TV except of the advertisements sometimes
I don’t bowl, play chess, scrabble,tennis,football,anything
I can’t swim
I don’t like to eat
I can’t cook
I’m not good looking (I’m cute/pretty but not good-looking)
I don’t have a great sense of dressing
I can’t speak about any topic in depth (I do read a lot but am not a master of anything)
I hate taking favors from anyone even my close friends
I don’t have a great sense of humor
I’m uncomfortable speaking with new people
I’m absolutely hopeless at parties
I can’t even write well
I don’t know where my life is heading
I’ve no aim no ambition….


People think am weird because;

Id rather take the stairs than use the elevator even while coming down from the 21st floor

I walk from cuffe parade to churchgate because I love looking at the houses and architecture along the way and the children playing at oval and look at the trees and the gardens along the way.

I love old houses.

I travel by second class compartments while in Bombay but when I’m on a vacation I fly.

I go on long trips/vacations alone.

I love staying alone

I hate chatting with people while am traveling.

I don't like to play antakshari

I stare at people (I think I am observing them)

I love to walk, walk and walk.

I don’t spend money on designer clothes even when I can afford them.

I shed tears even when I watch a sentimental silly ad on TV

I wear an old outdated watch just because it has sentimental value attached.

I don’t have my hair colored/styled in the latest fashion.

I generally have only two pairs of shoes and continue wearing them till they are unusable.
I visit art galleries to see paintings even though I dont understand a thing about art.

I love walking along the lanes and byelanes of Fort.

I don’t butter people even if it’s going to benefit me.

I defend and protect my friends even if I end up fighting with someone.

I can never say no…

I can stare into space lost in my thoughts for hours together.

I can’t mask my feelings…and am very blunt and not at all diplomatic in my conversations.

Hence I've decided that I am both- useless as well as weird.

But when I get a call from a very old acquaintance after 6 years saying that he has traced my no after lots of efforts and had just called to ask how I was, and when out of the blue someone calls me to say that her life has become very complicated and she could not think of anyone except me to speak about it, I think that maybe, just maybe am not all that useless and weird.

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Urchins

Ive always been curious about urchins and few incidents in recent days seem to made me rethink about the way I react to situations and made me wonder if how I would have reacted if I was even in such a situation. All happened in local trains.

I had a pretty lousy week. Things wre not going well in office as well as on the personal front. I was travelling alone and lost in my thoughts thinking where exactly things had gone wrong. Suddenly an urchin of about 7 years asked me for money. He had swept the train and was expected something in return. I did not have any change at all and told me so. He insisted on the money. I again told him that I honestly did not have any change. He gave me a look as if he knew I was lying and went away. As my station was nearing, I went and stood on the footbridge. The urchin was standing opposite to me and giving me poignant looks. For some reason I was feeling guilty even though I had not done anything wrong. The station was coming closer and then the boy looks at me and says that I was standing on the wrong side and the train will pull in on the opposite platform. I wondered if I was in the same place, would I have dine the same thing and be sympethetic towards someone who persumably did not care about me?

I had just finished my packet of wafers and stood near the door in the train. A street child of around 9 got in with extremely shabby and dirty clothes and sat next to me on the footboard. As usual I was observing him. He found a discarded packet of cheap wafers on the floor with the last two chips in it and ate them. After that he just sat there with a thoughtful expresion on his face as if wondering about his life just as I was about mine. I was thinking about the packet of wafers that Id just finished and wouldve given it to him if he had begged me for it. But he was obviously too proud beg. He then looked up at me with the expression that said that I was so lucky to be wearing decent clean clothes, working with a well paying job and listening to music on my cell. He then got off at Bombay Central making me wonder what it was that was going on in his mind, whether he was wondering where his next meal was going to come from or about the beating that he was going to get from his drunken father ...

Two very dirty urchins getting in at Dadar and looking back and smiling at me...

Me asking them where they were going

"Movie" they answered

"Where?"

"Bandra"

"Which?"

"Any new movie"

"How much are the tickets for?"

"Rs. 10."

They getting off at Bandra with gleeful expressions on their faces thinking about the movie.

I had got in at Churchgate and an urchin sweeps the train. He asks me for money. The only change I have is a Rs. 5 coin and I was reluctant to hand it over to him. So I tell him that I dont have change. He persists. I again tell him that I dont have change. His friend was standing near the door grinning at me and asks me to please give his friend some money. He has very pretty mischevious eyes. Im smitten by them and hand over the coin to his friend. He is extremely happy that his friend had recived the money and was gleeful. He said a very cheeky "Thank you", gave me a wave and disappeared in the crowd.

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Relationships

I feel so sad to see relationships espically long term ones breaking.

Love is such a complicated subject. People fall in love when they least expect it and people who have been in love suddenly find that they dont love each other and fall in love with someone else.

A few years ago I wouldve frowned at the thought of an extra marital affair. But not anymore.

Love happens. Yes it does even after youve had a love marriage. It happens even after you know that you have grown up children and should not love anyone but your husband. You fall in love with the most unlikely person for the most unlikely reasons. It also seems impractical and silly to you, but you cannot help but love that person.

You suddenly realise that you love someone more than anyone else even after being away for him/her for years together. Yes, there are other people in your life, and though they are nice, no one is quite like that person whom youve probably spoken just a couple of times ago. And you could do anything to be with him/her at that moment.

Yes, love happens when you are past forty with grown up children but you are chatting with that person on phone for hours together just like a teenager and dont feel silly about it.

Someone comes to you one fine day and says that theyve been in love with you since the last so many years but were just too scared to tell you at that time. But after all these years they have still not stopped loving you. This, even though you are with someone else now. You then wonder if maybe things wouldve been different if they had told you this years ago.

Love happens even though you are already in love with someone else and want both of them. But you know that you have to choose anyone but dont want to hurt either.

Someone loves you but you have absolutely no felings for that person even thought hes a gem of a person and you feel guilty because you cannot be as nice to him as he is to you.

You love someone even though you know that he is in love with someone and does not even know that you exist.

And you are still in love with that person even though the relationship has ended a long time ago.....

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LOST LOVE

Ever heard of the line 'You never forget your first love. It always holds a special place in your heart no matter what happens'.

I experienced this first hand yesterday.

Mr. Kumar is an important customer of our Branch. He is in his late 60's and a consultant with a very important government organisation. There is a dedicated relationship manager who attends to his queries.I being a junior officer of our branch had never interacted with him.

But yesterday the customer hours were over, the relationship manager had left for the day and we were also in the process of wrapping our work. Mr Kumar walked in with his wife. As I was the only customer representative around, he came to my desk. His fixed deposit was in the process of getting printed which was taking sometime as the printer was not functioning. Mr. Kumar asked me which city I was from.

"Bombay" I said.

"Oh really! I lived in Bombay when I was young. My son lives there now.Are you a Maharashtrian?" he asked

"Yes" I said

"Thats nice. I knew a Maharashtrian girl once"

"When was this?" I asked him

"Oh... some 30 years ago when I was living in Bombay.She was the girl whom I knew for 5 years. I was in love with her" he said softly.

"What happened then?" I could not hold myself.

"Well we could not get married.Her family was against the idea. We tried a lot but it never happened....." he trailed off

I stopped what I was doing and looked at him. He seemed lost in his own world and was oblivious to what was going on around him. The look in his eyes said so many things which he probably could never have said in words.It was as if he had travelled back in time to some 30 years ago and was reliving the time that they had shared.His eyes spoke about the love that he still felt for her in some corner of his heart.

Mr. Kumar left after a while leaving me in no doubt that somewhere his friend was also thinking about him with the same love and affection that he was.

It is true...sometimes love does last a lifetime even if that special someone is no more with you.

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Airport

Damn! My flight was late.And today of all days when I was going to make the presentation. I called the client and told them about the delay. With nothing better to do, I bought a magazine and started going through it. Nothing new but the same old news. Bored, I was looking around the boarding area when I saw her.

Could it really be her? She was sitting right in front of me reading a book. She had the same height,was wearing her hair in the same style, and her profile was strikingly similar. She seemed oblivious to what was going on around her and was peacefully reading. If only she looked up and I got a better look....

I must have been staring at her for a long time when she suddenly looked up as if she had a feeling that someone was staring at her. It was her... Those eyes could not have belonged to anybody else. Those beautiful brown eyes which I always thought were the most honest, trusting and vulnerable eyes that I had ever seen.

I was surprised and very happy to be seeing her after so many years. I got up to meet her expecting her to reciprocate my feelings.But far from being happy she seemed shocked and for some reason scared to see me.Was there anybody around with her? But she seemed to be alone.I started walking towards her but she was already gathering her bags and was about to leave in a hurry.

"Pooja!Wait. Hi. Its me How are you?"
She seemed to be caught unawares and managed a meek "Hi"
"Where have you been?" I asked
"Im fine. Actually I have to go. I think my flight is boarding"
"No. No announcement has been made"
"Well.. I think I'll go get some coffee"
" Its been years since we've last seen each other"
"Ya. 6 years next month" she blurted.
" So you stay in Delhi"
" No had come here for some work. I really gotta go now"
" Whats the matter? You seem scared of something. Is there someone with you?"
"No..actually I..."
" Mama..." I hear a child of around 5 shout and come running towards her
Shes picked him up and held him really tight.
" I have to go. See you" she said.
" Wait" I said. "When did you get married?I did not know you had a child"
" Mama put me down. You are hurting me" I boy said.

It was then when I saw the child's face and realised why she was so scared. My mind went back to the last time we'd spoken some 6 years ago.

I still remember that day. It was a sad and gloomy day. I wanted to put off meeting her and telling her the news that I meant to tell her since the last so many days. But I knew that I had to get on with it.We had decided to meet at our favourite coffee shop. It was the same one where we had gone on our first date together.

I was already waiting for her at the corner table when she walked in. She looked so happy when she spotted me.

"Hi" she said."I want to tell you something"
"Me too" I said.
" You go first"
" Baby Im getting married" I blurted out.
Silence.
She seemed as if she had not heard me. She was studying me and a million thoughts seened to be going on in her mind.
" My parents met her last month. I too met her" I said.
she was still silent.
" Baby I love you but you how it is . As much as I want to marry you, you know my parents will never allow it".
" Is that what you want?" she asked.
"Yes" I said. I love them too much."
"Ok". That was all she said.
"I'm sorry"
"Its fine"
"You Ok?"
"Ya"
"You wanted to tell me something?"
"Yes " She said. "I'm pregnant"
"What!!"I shouted. "How is that possible?I mean...You are joking right?"
"No I'm not"
"We can't have this child. Please get it aborted"
"Its my child. Not yours. You know my feeling on this. I will never kill it"
" Please don't do it. There is no way we can get married"
"I am not asking us to be married"
" Please dont do it Pooja. I will loose my parents"
There was a moments sil;ence as she seemed to be studying me and then she burst out laughing.
"Scared you did'nt I? Dont worry. Im not pregnant".She said.
"You scared me"
" Well congrats on the wedding. Who is the girl? You like her? When is the wedding?"
" Shes OK. Shes from Calcutta.Date is not decided as yet but probably after 6 months. You'll be fine?"
"Ya, I'm fine. I know this relationship was not a long term one. I know you love your parents a lot and you would never hurt them. I'll manage"
"Thanks" I said.
"For what?"
"For being so understanding"
She looked down at her coffee which had gone cold a long time ago with a very sad smile on her face.

"Well its getting late. I should be leaving. " She said.
"I'll drop you home."
"No she said. I've to get used to being alone now."
"You'll find someone better than me ...someone who will love and treasure you"
"Maybe" she said and turned to leave.

"Pooja" I called out to her." I'm sorry. I love you."
She stopped, turned and gave me a look which spoke volumes of the hurt and the pain that she was feeling because of me.

She then left without a word.

I tried calling her but she never took any of my calls. Later I hear that she had changed her job and shifted to a new city. I wrote her a number of mails which went unanswered. None of her friends knew where she had gone. She just disappeared from my life.I too got married, changed jobs and city. But I always wondered how she was and whether she was happy. Somehow I knew that she shall never forgive me for what I did to her.

And then suddenly this meeting at the airport.

I looked at the child in her arms.He was the exact replica of the photo that my mother had with her.

He was my son.

I could not believe it. " Is he ,is her our.." I started
"No! " she literally shouted. "He's mine. Only mine" Her eyes held nothing but hate for me.
" Calling all passengers of Jet Airways flight AW 902 to Chennai"was the announcement.
"Bye " She said.
" Wait" I called. "Dont leave me, not again"
She turned ant looked at me and seemed to be me asking me questions for which I had no answers. her eyes spoke of the betrayal and hurt that she was feeling.
" You still love me, don't you?" I asked
"I never really stopped loving you"

The words hung in the air.I felt as if the air was sucked out of my lungs. Her eyes were moist as they seemed to cut into my soul"

"You took away all my happiness when you left me alone"She said."But you also gave me a gift when you went which is the reason why I'm living. Don't try to take him away from me. He is all that I have. He is my life". She turned and walked away towards the boarding line.
"Mamma who was that man" I heard the child say.
"Nobody" she said.
'Nobody'. That was who I was. I hoped that she would turn around and look at me just once. But she did not.

I sat down and thought of what I had playfully asked her one rainy night when she had snuggled into my arms.

"If you had an option of having only one child what would you have?Son or daughter?"
Without hesitating for a moment she said"daughter"
Then looking deep into my eyes she said"But if its yours, I'd want a son. A son who is just like you."
"Just like me?Why" I'd asked
"Because then I'll get to know all aspects of you. I'll know you as a child,a teenager,and an adult."
"You love me a lot don't you?"
She smiled."More than my life. I love you more than anyone has ever loved you"

These word were ringing in my ears even after my flight landed in Calcutta and I was left wondering whether my life shall ever be the same again.

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