Someone Special

>> Monday, December 21, 2009

Sometimes it so happens that someone comes into our life suddenly. That person brings us joy and happiness and makes us feel special. Life suddenly becomes beautiful. One such person came in my life 2 months ago.

We had stayed in the same society for almost 25 years, grew up together, went to the same school, but as we were not in the same age group, we had a different set of friends and never really knew anything about each other except each others’ names. In the so many years that we knew each other, wehave hardly spoken 5 sentences to other than the occasional ‘Hi’.

Then some 3 years ago I changed houses and went to live in a different part of the city for 6 months. I again changed my house and came to stay in the same locality. Somewhere along the way, orkut happened and we managed to find each other. We chatted on and off and generally knew more than each others names like where we worked, what our mutual friends were doing etc. The chat was not a regular feature and we managed to catch each other online pretty infrequently say about once in 3-4 months. We had exchanged cell numbers and did (or rather he) send general forwarded jokes. Sometimes I replied, sometimes I did not. We did not think much about this.

Then 2 months ago, we exchanged messages. Nothing out of the ordinary, but as we messagaed, we realized that we were actually having a conversation and both of us ended speaking to each other as if we were long lost friends and we realized that we haven’t spoken so much in the years that we ‘knew’ each other as much as we had shared in the 2 hours that we were chatting. We were telling each other about our feelings in our past relationships which both of us had not shared with anyone.

This became a regular feature since that day when no matter how late we come home, we sms each other other and have a conversations. Sometimes it’s a meaningful conversation and sometimes we end up just flirting. Most often than not we end up chatting about nothing rather that something. These sms chats last late into the night . Im sleeping for just about 5 hours daily. This coming from me, who used to get irritated even if slept for ½ hour less.

We don’t have anything in common with each other. I love books. He hates books. I love romantic movies, he loves action. Im shy and an introvert. He cannot do without people around him. Hes the leader, im the follower. Hes outspoken, Im reserved. Hes flamboyant, I’m the exact opposite. They only thing that we have in common is our love for a particular type of Bengali sweet. But in some strange way we still seem to have connected.

For the first time, Ive found someone who cares for me. Who makes me laugh. Who says something silly and then messages me saying 'smile like this always'. Who asks me how my day was. Who wants me to share even the most mundane thing of my life and gives me a patient hearing. Who understands what I mean without being judgmental. Who can tell if Im upset just by the way I send my messages. And who bothers to ask what is wrong. Who gives me my space, who tells me that its perfectly ok if I don’t want to tell him something, who pestered me and bullied me to visit the doc when I was not well. Who actually told me that he’ll come with me to give me company at the doctor’s when I said that I don’t have the patience to wait at the clinic.

He is not perfect though. He has a major ego problem. He’s told me that himself. He insisted me to go to the doc, but totally ignored his health for a good three days before he took medicines. He is very stubborn and does not listen to anyone even if they beg and plead.

Inspite of all this, he’s special. I too have started caring for him. I haven’t felt this way about someone in a long, a really long time now. We have had our arguments and fights and making up after the fights too in the last couple of months.

And all this has happened only over smses. We have spoken to each other only 4 times in the last 2 months. Twice was for professional reasons and twice was because he wanted to inform me that his messaging service is not working. Inspite of working in the same area and living about ½ a kilometer from each other we have still not met. Not even accidentally bumped into each other.

And now I think its time to end it. Not because we don’t want to take this ahead but there shall not be a logical conclusion to this. I don’t want to get carried away and lose even the beautiful time that we shared together. It was good while it lasted and I think the time has come for me to wane myself from him. He was the warm sunshine that came into my life on a winter morning and I want to remember him the same way.

There is this line from my favourite movie- ‘You’ve Got Mail’- ‘We have usually spoken mostly about nothing rather than something. But all these nothings have meant more, much more for me that so many somethings.’. Take care and happiness always. You shall always be special.









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Trust

>> Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Trust. Its so diffult to gain and once broken cannot be ragained no matter what. And when the person who breaks your trust happens to be a friend whom you thought was close to you, you really dont know how to react.
It happened to me a couple of days ago. I had told something to a friend of mine about another friend. She did something which I never thought she shall do. She told this to his ex GF which messed up life for both of them.
It was not expected of her. This happened two years ago and I was totally anaware of this. The friend thought I had betrayed his trust which was true to an extent.
I am shocked and shaken on realising that someone whom I trusted could do such a thing. And for what? Just to ruin a relationship among a couple who were together for sometime and now moved on? What would she have gained in all this? Very difficult for me to fathom. Been disturbed since the last couple of days because of this.
And going by this, she would also be spreading all kind of mean and nasty things about me to others... I really dont know what to think. And to think that after a long time I had actually started trusting people. I absolutely hate lies and I seem to attract liers to me...
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I learnt a few things about me:
- Guys think I am intelligent and they find intelligent women intimidating.
- They think that Im nice and sweet and friendly etc but also unapproachable. Dont know what to make of this :-)
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Am I supressing all my feelings? Am I putting on a mask of being happy when I really not? Questions,questions and more questions.
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Choices

>> Thursday, November 19, 2009

I am facing a dilemma... I have to make a choice about something and I dont know what decision to take. Even if I take a decision, I dont know weather it shall be right or wrong.

I have been in such a situation before and all the times I have ended up taking the wrong decisions which have changed my life forever.

I dont want to go through that again. But however much I think about it, the more confused I get. If ony i get a sign... a sign which helps me take the right decision for once.

I was happy, very happy a couple of days ago and now, Im not so sure about anything.

Someone help me... why cant things be simple and life less uncomplicated *sigh*...

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-------

>> Thursday, October 22, 2009

--Ive started thinking about mortality a lot nowadays... not mine but my loved ones and the thought of that is very very scary. We all know that we have t die someday but still...

--I guess for the first time spent diwali away from Mumbai. Went to Panchgani and Pune and had a great time...Fell in love with Panchgani all over again.

--everyone, weather they are rich or poor, good or bad are all given 24 hours in a day. What they make of those 24 hours depends on them. So it is pointless cribbing about how lucky some people are... and how life in unfair. We all get chances and opportunities at some point of time. Its just that most of us are too blind/dumb at that point to think, really think about what they mean to us.

--- I have learnt that you cannot depend on anyone for emotional, physical,financial support. At the end of the day, you have to take care of ourselves. Yes, friends an family is there, but they can just listen to you an give you advice. But you have to fight your own battles. and yes, it does definitely get very very lonely at times...

-- There is this calmness about me. Dont know weather its good or bad. ont know weather Im happy being myself or that Ive just given up an have adjusted with the situation.

---Small things can make you happy. Like random strangers smiling at you because you happened to take the same bus in the morning and suddenly met in the evening again.

--- There is this bus Im taking to office nowadays. The conductor and the driver and are very sweet and take good care of the passengers inspite of the bus being overloaded. They make it a point to have a good word to say and chat up with the regular commuters. Its peps up everyone and the mornings are pleasant with lots of smiling faces around inspite of the mad rush and the terrible Mumbai heat...

--- 2009 is almost coming to a close an nothing, nothing special / noteworthy has happened this year till now. So far, its been the most boring year for me.

--- I want something major and nice to happen in my life.... but it seems as if Ive been waiting forever for that something to happen....

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Im Busy

>> Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Ive been away from here for a very long time... I do read blogs but no time to comment and write new blogs...

My personal life is suddenly busy with most of the weekends literally booked in advance doing one activity or the other. And Im loving all of this.

Saw Wake Up Sid a couple of days ago and it is a must watch movie. I could relate to that movie in so many ways especially the way Ranbir's character is trying to study Financial Accounts. Dreaded that subject in college and during my TYBCOM exams, it was the first time in my life after giving an exam, I cried. It was that awful. Luckily I manged to pass it. Ranbir has really acted well. Rahul Khanna looks absolutey dishy.... Had a major crush on him during my college days when he used to be a VJ on MTV...He looks sos sos so good.. Konkana as usual is a talented actress. Would love to see her in a light herated comedy movie sometime.

Had been on a trek a couple of months ago and am writing (trying) to write a travelogue... Shall publish it as soon as Im done. (Dosent help that Ive written just a paragraph since the last month)...

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Random Thoughts

>> Saturday, August 01, 2009

- Like why do I behave the way I do? I do want to someone nice and decent ... but that shall not be possible if I find everybody boring. Can I? Like yesterday, I got a call from this guy, we were talking for quite sometime- an hour actually and I still could not feel the spark in the conversation. I was replying to all his questions, was not rude, was listening to him, but was still bored. I just did not know how to end the conversation because if I abruptly ended it, it would seem rude and I did not want to be rude. He was a nice enough guy but I somehow don't want to have any further communication with him.. I guess he shall want to meet me but I don't want that. I always find it difficult to say no to anyone. How do I get out of the situation?
- Like where do people go when they want to cry without others noticing them? I cant do that at home because there are other around and other times I am in office. So what I do is I use the office washroom. And the best part is that since neither my eyes nor my nose are red due to the tears, no one notices.
- Like I sometimes feel that looking for a partner is such a waste of time and energy... You get random calls from people, the same conversation and then the dead ends... I mean is it so difficult to find someone interesting or is there a problem with me? The guys for some reason don't find me boring even if I am not showing interest or just listening to them. For some reason they think that I'm interesting/brainy. And then I don't know how to avoid taking their calls...
- Like I don't know where my life is heading.... everything is at a standstill.
- Like whatever happened to courtesy?
- Like men are such difficult people to understand? Why cant they just be themselves and not pretend to be what they are not and complicate matter for all involved?
- Like why am I not excited even though I'm going on a long awaited trek in a couple of weeks?
- Like where has all the enthusiasm and energy gone out of my life?
-Like why am I become so cynical and suspicious of everything and everyone around me?
- Like why cant I ever ever manage to have proper paragraphs/spacing in my posts? Whatever I do, I can never manage to have paragraphs... The entire thing looks so cluttered.

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Weird things about me...

>> Monday, July 27, 2009

Yogesh has tagged me... This is the first time that someone has tagged me and I hope I do it the proper way... I'm supposed to write 7 weird things about me... So here goes..

1. I can day dream for the entire day... I have a very wild imagination and my favourite activity is to hold a book/newspaper in front of me and dream away to glory... I can sit for hours together and even do the same in office in front of the PC :)

2. I have the habit of speaking to myself.... I don't notice it but sometimes my colleagues just stare at me and say 'Why are you speaking to yourself/smiling to yourself?' . I guess I do the same while walking on the road alone because many (most) of the times I suddenly see people staring at me and giving me weird looks.

3. I am not a bit scared of watching horror movies... In fact I am quite amused at the imagination of the director./the scriptwriter... I feel funny when people say that they are scared of these silly movies...

4. I can walk for hours together especially when I am alone... I feel its irritating to have company when I walk even if its from the station to my house. I never understood this thing about having company while walking. I love to walk lost in my own thoughts...

5. I am a loner and like to travel alone. I don't like company when I am travelling and I find it very irritating to play antakshari when on a picnic/trip... I don't mind if the others do it, but I don't like to be dragged into it... I just enjoy to look out of the window and appreciate the scenery. And I also fight for the window seat... never mind if its a kid that I'm fighting with...

6. When at a party or a social event, I don't like to be anywhere near the singing/dancing/games events... Id rather sit somewhere behind and play with the kids or people watch . And yes I absolutely hate to make small talk and chit chat especially at weddings... I fact I even find weddings extremely boring..

7. If I want to avoid talking to certain people/ want them to ignore me, i play dumb... They lose interest after sometime and I am happy without being rude to them...

I am sure after reading that above, I shall be officially branded what most people think I am.. ' boring and khadoos'... but that's the way I like it :-)

I have been absolutely honest here and I hope I have done justice to this tag

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Terrible Week

>> Monday, July 13, 2009

Just when I thought nothing effects me and I have become immune to all feelings something happens which shakes me up...
This happened on Friday. I was walking back home from a fancy shopping mall, having bought some totally unnecessary cosmetics, a Rs. 400/- scratch guard for my newly acquired fancy cell, saving the same cell from the rains by keeping it in a plastic bag and still worrying weather the rain drops shall get into it...
It had stopped raining and I was near a traffic signal. Suddenly I spot this shall young girl, around 3 years old, sitting near a shop door. The shutter of the shop was down and the child was sitting with a very sad a morose expression on her face. The expression on her face was as if she had lost all hope in life and she was all very tired of everything... She looked like an urchin but a pretty clean one... It almost seemed as if she had run away from her house and had nowhere to stay. Her clothes were quite clean. There were a few plastic bags near her which seemed the only belongings that she had.
The next thing that I saw almost broke my heart... Next to her, there was another girl around 4 years old, her thin nylon salwar drenched in rain water, a thin dupatta covering her head sleeping with her face towards the shutter. She was probably not well and shivering with the cold. She was so tiny and her legs pulled tightly towards her chest that I would have easily missed her. She was lying on a a small stone on the pavement.
I asked the younger girl where her mother was and she generally pointed in the direction of the road... I asked the shopkeepers around and everybody looked at them as if they were seeing the two children for the first time. One of the told me that these are the part of the group that beg on the signal nearby and their mother would also be somewhere around...
I asked the child weather she was hungry and she just nodded. The only thing that I could do was to buy two packets of biscuits and give it to the girl with the hope that she eats them and the mother does not sell it of... How I wish I could have taken both the girls home, given them a proper meal and some warm clothes... I really felt ashamed to be carrying such a expensive phone around and worrying about totally frivolous matters...
I love Bombay and the people in this city but when I see incidents like this and the way we treat our children, I feel that somewhere we have failed miserably....There are so many such children living like this and most often that not, we are so engrossed in our daily routines that we turn a blind eye to them...
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Last week was generally very depressing... Im not able to find a house that I want and my best friend's marriage is breaking... The second is a shocker.... I never never thought that there was something wrong in their relationship... They were my ideal couple... I still cant get over it...

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Happy

>> Sunday, June 28, 2009

And I'm happy happy happy......I'm not having any expectations out of anything, I'm just taking things as they come.... :) Touchwood....

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Love

>> Friday, June 05, 2009

And I really really really want to fall in love...

Love someone hopelessly, totally, completely...

And I want to that to happen now.....

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Just another girl....

>> Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Alone and very very lonely...
Yes, there are people around me.
Yes I do laugh and cry,
Yes, I joke and fool around,
I do the things that I'm suppossed to do,
I look like a person who is unbreakable,
That I can manage everything perfectly
That I dont need anyone to make me feel complete
That I am my own person.
That I am capable of taking my own decisions
That I am calm and composed when things are falling apart around me
I know that I am all of the above and lot more...

But I also know that somewhere I am also a girl
Who likes to be pampered, who likes to be sometimes taken care of,
Who just want to be free and be herself, who does not always have to be right,
Who needs atention even though I may never show it,
Who needs to share the small joys of life
Who sometimes wants a shoulder to cry on,


A girl who is at times scared and very very alone and lonely
Yes, I am all this and more... because after all Im just a girl....
alone and very very lonely

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I want to write a poem

I want to write, write a poem.
A poem on love, a poem on hope,
a poem on passion, on life
and life after love,
of love which is so complete
where there are no expectations,
where there are smiles and laughter
where there are tears,
where there is pleasure in tears
where there is a feeling of completeness
where you are no more alone
but the perfect words dont seem to flow
to complete the perfect world of love and fulfillment....

(I know that this poem is utter nonsense... but this is what i felt,the words just flowed and the this seems to make perfect sense to me)

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Crossroads...

>> Friday, May 15, 2009

Why do even the simple things in life be so difficult to achieve. You do everything th
at you are supposed to do, and then luck/ destiny and the other crap happens. In the end everything is about luck… doesn’t hard work have any role to play?

People always say that you should have a positive attitude towards life and positive things happen to you. But why is it that whenever I try to think positive, everything just falls apart and things get more messed up? Then the cycle of negativity and depression starts all over again…

I am a very independent person and too proud to ask anyone for help… but for the first time in my life I want someone to take all my decisions for me and tell me exactly what to do. Do miracles really happen???

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Me

>> Monday, April 20, 2009





This is me... snap was taken just for the fun of it... a little makeup and good camera can really do wonders :)

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March

>> Wednesday, April 01, 2009

- March happens to be my favourite month of the year. It is quite hot in Bombay this time of the year but it is also spring time and the trees start sprouting new leaves.... beautiful , tender leaves in varying shades of green. Yes, even in Bombay if you see carefully, you shall notice this...(an auto hit me a couple of days ago because I was happily looking up at some tree and did not notice where I was going). There are a variety of birds who suddenly seem to have come from nowhere and merrily chirp throughout the day. These birds come in various colours. There are parrots and cuckoos and a variety of sparrows. My favourite happens to be a bird which has a red beak, has atleast three shades of green on its wings, has yellow colour under the wings, black colour under its beak. And of course it is always fun to try to locate the cuckoo from the general direction of the noise that it maked untiring throughout the day.

- I also love March for the exam season. It a trip down memory lane when you see groups of students sincerely going through their books for last minute preparation. How I wish I was a student all over again....

- I am totally absolutely in love with Bombay. Yes, I know it is not a perfect city to live in. It has its own share of problems but I love it inspite of the crowds (or rather because of the crowds), the traffic jams, the forever dug roads, the slums and the garbage heaps. But there are also the beautiful buildings, the old chawls, the lovely trees, the trains, the BEST buses, the roads and most importantly the people. The people and their attitude is what makes or breaks a city and Bombay is special to me precisely for this reason. There is this energy in this city which I have yet to experience in the other places that I have visited...

- It was our new year last week . And for the first time since I was in school I have made a new year resolution. A very very sincere and heartfelt resolution. I have decided to be happy. I have decided that I have wasted too mant years thinking about things which I could have done/not done and in the process am ruining my present. I dont want to waste some more precious years thinking about people and things which should ideally be inconsequential to my life. I deserve better in life because I am a nice person and there is no reason to be surprised if I am getting the attention that I deserve. I have been sad all these years and I have got nothing in return but sadness so I shall be happy and see if I get happiness in return . No use mopping around for such a long time and basically now I am tired to being so sad... Its my life and I shall do everything that I can to change it...Sad faces are well... pretty sad....As they say, change your attitude, change your life...

- And to compliment my change in attitude, I shall soon have a new nice colourful template....

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What do You Do When

>> Wednesday, March 18, 2009

What do you do when you have the urge to scream? Scream your lungs out ?

What do you do when you get up in the mornings everyday and realise what a mess you have made of your life? Life, one third of which is already over.

What do you do when you want to cry, but the tears just wont come?

What do you do when you are left with no emotions?

What do you do when you mind is screaming at the anguish and the hopelessness of the situation even while you are in the middle of an ordinary conversation?

What do you do when you want to quit everything and just take off somewhere where no one knows you?

What do you do when nothing around you effects you anymore? Neither happiness or sadness?

What do you do when you have those fake conversations and the smiles and the laughter when inside you are crying out in pain?

What do you do when you realise that you have made a mess of not just your own life but also of the people who love and care for you?

What do you do when you stop loving and caring for the same people?

What do you do when you realise that you have failed, failed miserably in every aspect of your life?

What do you do when you undo the last decade of you life but know that it is not possible?

What do you do when you know that you are a nice person but no one has ever loved you the way you wanted them to?

What do you do when you know that no matter what do do, the situation does not seem to change?

What do you do when you tel people that you are fine but you know that you are not... because it still hurts. Hurts so much that you know that you shall suffocate because of the pain that you yourself don't realise that exists.

What do you do when you want someone to wave a magic wand to make things better... just a little better?

What do you do when you are hanging by a nail on a cliff to save your life... but at some point you know that you shall not have the strength to fight anymore and give in to the temptation of falling in the deep ravine and ending it for ever?

What do you do when you want to die, but are not quite ready for death as yet?

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People in My Life

>> Sunday, March 15, 2009

Bombay teaches you many lessons in customer service and professionalism that no other city in India can. And this even before the so called over hyped customer service nos. and call centres came into existence. I am speaking about the innumerable 'waals' around us . Our doodhwaals, paperwaala, bhaajiwala, khariwala etc. We take these people for granted. Today I shall try to mention these waals who have brought joy into my life since I was a kid...

1. The Bhaajiwala: There are a couple of these. One is from Kerala and the other from UP. The one from UP. These two have been coming to my society since the time I can remember to deliver vegetables. The one from UP has become slightly old now. But I see him often carrying the vegetable on his head walking from the station in the mornings (probably getting them from dadar market) going for delivery to various homes. I don't know anything else about him. But he is a part of my childhood who used to haggle with my mother (or is it the other way round?) about the price of the vegetables.

2. The paperwalla: The one who used to deliver paper to my doorstep early in the morning between 630-7 am without fail everyday come rain or shine. I think he was my age. He used to deliver the papers in the morning and then rush off to school. During the rains, he used to get wet himself, but covered the papers with a plastic sheet so that they remain intact. He stopped delivering papers a few years ago. He now has his own auto and I hope is is now financially well off.

3. The dhobi: This is a family which used to collect clothes to iron from us and deliver them the next day. The Father passed away a few years ago...He was very old. Now the Son comes to our house for the clothes. The father used to have chats with my mother and tell her the stories about how his son refuses to collect clothes and how he has to go from house to house to do that. This inspite of the fact that he was so old.

4. The sandwichwalla: He sells sandwiches on the road opposite my building and has been there since I was in the 4th standard. He makes the best vegetable sandwiches in the whole of Bombay. He and his 2 sons help him. He stands there from 5 in the evening till 1 in the morning making them. He has become slightly old and the speed with which he cuts the vegetables have slightly reduced. And he still calls me baby. Makes me very happy :)

5. The kahriwalla: He delivers fresh khari, toast and nankhatai to my doorstep every Sunday. Since we have shifted from our earlier house, we had lost touch with him for a year. But one day he met my father and was very pleased to know where we stay. He has again started coming to our house on Sunday. He carries a big aluminium trunk on his head and goes around the locality.

These and many other people have defied the concept of service. They have not done any management courses. Most of them I guess are barely literate. But the customer service and satisfaction that they provide cannot be measured. We don't miss these when they are around. I know them since the past so many years but do I know them?

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And It Starts All Over Again

>> Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Spent a sleepless night yesterday tossing and turning for no apparent reason. Nothing is wrong but neither is everything right.

Wished it would rain yesterday night. Wanted to hear the pitter patter of raindrops on my window sill, wanted to hear the thunder, wanted to feel the rain wash away all the dirt and the grim that had gathered around me...

The feeling of despair, emptiness, hopelessness and sadness is overwhelming...Is this the way this supposed to be....

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A Face

>> Thursday, February 19, 2009
















Its been a long time that I have posted. Life is going on. Nothing special is happening.

I ran the Mumbai Marathon. The dream run (walk) of 6 kms actually. Not much of a marathon. I enjoyed it thoroughly. How often does one get to run on the roads of Mumbai?

A very strange thing happened. There was this boy who was us cheering from the window of his house on Charni road while we all ran. He was on the 2nd or maybe the 3rd floor of a building that is on the right hand side of the flyove from Girgaon Chowpatty. I was running on the flyover and just managed to look up. He was waving and all the runners. We made eye contact, waved and smiled at each other. Thats it. I continued to run.

Its been more that a month now and I just cannot seem to get that face out of my head. Who is he? What is his name. It is not that he was drop dead gorgeous/handsome, but its just that the face has intrigued me...

Well, I guess its just one of those things that happen....


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