Me

This is me... snap was taken just for the fun of it... a little makeup and good camera can really do wonders :)

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March

- March happens to be my favourite month of the year. It is quite hot in Bombay this time of the year but it is also spring time and the trees start sprouting new leaves.... beautiful , tender leaves in varying shades of green. Yes, even in Bombay if you see carefully, you shall notice this...(an auto hit me a couple of days ago because I was happily looking up at some tree and did not notice where I was going). There are a variety of birds who suddenly seem to have come from nowhere and merrily chirp throughout the day. These birds come in various colours. There are parrots and cuckoos and a variety of sparrows. My favourite happens to be a bird which has a red beak, has atleast three shades of green on its wings, has yellow colour under the wings, black colour under its beak. And of course it is always fun to try to locate the cuckoo from the general direction of the noise that it maked untiring throughout the day.

- I also love March for the exam season. It a trip down memory lane when you see groups of students sincerely going through their books for last minute preparation. How I wish I was a student all over again....

- I am totally absolutely in love with Bombay. Yes, I know it is not a perfect city to live in. It has its own share of problems but I love it inspite of the crowds (or rather because of the crowds), the traffic jams, the forever dug roads, the slums and the garbage heaps. But there are also the beautiful buildings, the old chawls, the lovely trees, the trains, the BEST buses, the roads and most importantly the people. The people and their attitude is what makes or breaks a city and Bombay is special to me precisely for this reason. There is this energy in this city which I have yet to experience in the other places that I have visited...

- It was our new year last week . And for the first time since I was in school I have made a new year resolution. A very very sincere and heartfelt resolution. I have decided to be happy. I have decided that I have wasted too mant years thinking about things which I could have done/not done and in the process am ruining my present. I dont want to waste some more precious years thinking about people and things which should ideally be inconsequential to my life. I deserve better in life because I am a nice person and there is no reason to be surprised if I am getting the attention that I deserve. I have been sad all these years and I have got nothing in return but sadness so I shall be happy and see if I get happiness in return . No use mopping around for such a long time and basically now I am tired to being so sad... Its my life and I shall do everything that I can to change it...Sad faces are well... pretty sad....As they say, change your attitude, change your life...

- And to compliment my change in attitude, I shall soon have a new nice colourful template....

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What do You Do When

What do you do when you have the urge to scream? Scream your lungs out ?

What do you do when you get up in the mornings everyday and realise what a mess you have made of your life? Life, one third of which is already over.

What do you do when you want to cry, but the tears just wont come?

What do you do when you are left with no emotions?

What do you do when you mind is screaming at the anguish and the hopelessness of the situation even while you are in the middle of an ordinary conversation?

What do you do when you want to quit everything and just take off somewhere where no one knows you?

What do you do when nothing around you effects you anymore? Neither happiness or sadness?

What do you do when you have those fake conversations and the smiles and the laughter when inside you are crying out in pain?

What do you do when you realise that you have made a mess of not just your own life but also of the people who love and care for you?

What do you do when you stop loving and caring for the same people?

What do you do when you realise that you have failed, failed miserably in every aspect of your life?

What do you do when you undo the last decade of you life but know that it is not possible?

What do you do when you know that you are a nice person but no one has ever loved you the way you wanted them to?

What do you do when you know that no matter what do do, the situation does not seem to change?

What do you do when you tel people that you are fine but you know that you are not... because it still hurts. Hurts so much that you know that you shall suffocate because of the pain that you yourself don't realise that exists.

What do you do when you want someone to wave a magic wand to make things better... just a little better?

What do you do when you are hanging by a nail on a cliff to save your life... but at some point you know that you shall not have the strength to fight anymore and give in to the temptation of falling in the deep ravine and ending it for ever?

What do you do when you want to die, but are not quite ready for death as yet?

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People in My Life

Bombay teaches you many lessons in customer service and professionalism that no other city in India can. And this even before the so called over hyped customer service nos. and call centres came into existence. I am speaking about the innumerable 'waals' around us . Our doodhwaals, paperwaala, bhaajiwala, khariwala etc. We take these people for granted. Today I shall try to mention these waals who have brought joy into my life since I was a kid...

1. The Bhaajiwala: There are a couple of these. One is from Kerala and the other from UP. The one from UP. These two have been coming to my society since the time I can remember to deliver vegetables. The one from UP has become slightly old now. But I see him often carrying the vegetable on his head walking from the station in the mornings (probably getting them from dadar market) going for delivery to various homes. I don't know anything else about him. But he is a part of my childhood who used to haggle with my mother (or is it the other way round?) about the price of the vegetables.

2. The paperwalla: The one who used to deliver paper to my doorstep early in the morning between 630-7 am without fail everyday come rain or shine. I think he was my age. He used to deliver the papers in the morning and then rush off to school. During the rains, he used to get wet himself, but covered the papers with a plastic sheet so that they remain intact. He stopped delivering papers a few years ago. He now has his own auto and I hope is is now financially well off.

3. The dhobi: This is a family which used to collect clothes to iron from us and deliver them the next day. The Father passed away a few years ago...He was very old. Now the Son comes to our house for the clothes. The father used to have chats with my mother and tell her the stories about how his son refuses to collect clothes and how he has to go from house to house to do that. This inspite of the fact that he was so old.

4. The sandwichwalla: He sells sandwiches on the road opposite my building and has been there since I was in the 4th standard. He makes the best vegetable sandwiches in the whole of Bombay. He and his 2 sons help him. He stands there from 5 in the evening till 1 in the morning making them. He has become slightly old and the speed with which he cuts the vegetables have slightly reduced. And he still calls me baby. Makes me very happy :)

5. The kahriwalla: He delivers fresh khari, toast and nankhatai to my doorstep every Sunday. Since we have shifted from our earlier house, we had lost touch with him for a year. But one day he met my father and was very pleased to know where we stay. He has again started coming to our house on Sunday. He carries a big aluminium trunk on his head and goes around the locality.

These and many other people have defied the concept of service. They have not done any management courses. Most of them I guess are barely literate. But the customer service and satisfaction that they provide cannot be measured. We don't miss these when they are around. I know them since the past so many years but do I know them?

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And It Starts All Over Again

Spent a sleepless night yesterday tossing and turning for no apparent reason. Nothing is wrong but neither is everything right.

Wished it would rain yesterday night. Wanted to hear the pitter patter of raindrops on my window sill, wanted to hear the thunder, wanted to feel the rain wash away all the dirt and the grim that had gathered around me...

The feeling of despair, emptiness, hopelessness and sadness is overwhelming...Is this the way this supposed to be....

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A Face

Its been a long time that I have posted. Life is going on. Nothing special is happening.

I ran the Mumbai Marathon. The dream run (walk) of 6 kms actually. Not much of a marathon. I enjoyed it thoroughly. How often does one get to run on the roads of Mumbai?

A very strange thing happened. There was this boy who was us cheering from the window of his house on Charni road while we all ran. He was on the 2nd or maybe the 3rd floor of a building that is on the right hand side of the flyove from Girgaon Chowpatty. I was running on the flyover and just managed to look up. He was waving and all the runners. We made eye contact, waved and smiled at each other. Thats it. I continued to run.

Its been more that a month now and I just cannot seem to get that face out of my head. Who is he? What is his name. It is not that he was drop dead gorgeous/handsome, but its just that the face has intrigued me...

Well, I guess its just one of those things that happen....

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Sadness

Is it just me who is feeling this or was this a very sad and bleek Diwali? Yes, there were sweets, there were new clothes, there were lights, but somehow the happiness and the festive feeling was not the same.

There is a sense of apprehesion among everybody regardless of the class they belonged to... People seemed to be doing the Diwali rituals just for the sake of it... the economy is not doing well and everyone is thinking twice about spending money. Even people with fixed incomes. People are thinking even about spending for minor things like flowers and diyas.

It really hit me when I was walking away after inquiring about the rangoli rates from a roadside vendor. I thought at Rs. 5/- per packet, the rates were high. But the mother of the rangoliwaali literally screamed saying that as it is sales were extremey bad and she was driving a potential customer away.

Not only moneywise, but generally there is a feeling that the feeling of euphoria that we were experiencing a few months ago shall be there for a long time now...no one seems to know when this shall last....

To add to this, news of layoffs, salary cuts is very very real. Companies have already started cutting salaries and mails have been sent to staff especially the new joinees that jobs too may be cut...no body seems to be speaking about anything else...

Who would have thought that just a couple of months the picture would change so much....

Personally for me, it was a very bad diwali. My best friends mother passed away suddenly and I was down with viral fever for the entire diwali week...Not that Im in a very festive mood during Diwali, and Im not very fond of the rituals, but all this added to the sense of disparity and sadness and melancholy...

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Being Boss

I am discovering that its much more difficult heading a team than being just a reportee to your boss. When you are just a member of a team you are on your own and responsible only for the job profile that is allocated to you.

Heading a team and managing a number of people, solving their problems, supporting them when they goof up, encouraging them, firing them for the mistakes done, praising them for the good work done,managing various temperaments, allocating jobs according to their individual skills is very very difficult. It is a big big responsibility being in charge of a team and getting work done from them.You cannot neither be very friendly towards them nor can you be unapproachable. You have to have immense patience to explain a certain thing to them in 10 different ways to make them understand it. You have to learn to control your irritation when they ask your opinion on trivial matters when you are in the midst of something important and help them. You have to learn to handle them with kid gloves.

When we begin our careers, at some point, we all want to head a team and shoulder bigger responsibilities. I was always in awe of my earlier bosses who headed the department/big teams/the company. And except for one organisation, all my bosses were very skilled,intelligent,friendly,impartial,approachable and fantastic people. Now that I'm in their shoes, it amazes me how they managed it without being hassled at any point of time. Yes, they did let me know when I made mistakes but I never once feel that they meant it personally. When I made any progress professionally or personally, they were genuinely pleased for me. There was so much to learn from them not only professionally but also in they way they treated their subordinates. Ive learnt that being humble and acknowledging your subordinates goes a long way making you a good human being and therefore a good boss too.

I hope that I can be the same impartial, warm,supportive and humble boss to whom my subordinates can look up to.

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Stray Thoughts

A few random thoughts...

1. That old couples look so endearing when they walk hand in hand..

2. That Primary school children look extremely sweet when they are off to school wearing their uniforms, hair neatly oiled, ribbons in place with very serious expressions on their faces.

3. How teenage girls blush while speaking to their boyfriends on the phone (for that matter how all girls/women regardless of their age look so shy while speaking to their partners on the phone)

4. The inquisitive look babies give while looking over their mother's shoulder at the world.

5. The happiness on their face when someone manages to catch a moving train just in the nick of time.

6. The forlorn look that someone gives a loved one when bidding goodbye at the railway station/airport/bus stop.

7. The special smile that is exchanged between lovers...

This week I have decided that I am going to chuck out all my 'relationships' and 'friendships'. Those relationships that were always so superficial. Those friendships which I thought were based on trust. Where no one cared about what I really wanted. where there was just a give and take. Give and take of money, power, ego games....

Who cared if in all this give and take, the one thing that I really lost was my innocence and trust.

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Old Age

This happened a couple of days ago.

I left office early (on time) because I had given some photographs to develop. These snaps were taken of my nani when she had come to visit us last year. My parents were going the next day to Nagpur to visit her and I know that she would be very happy to see them. The shop closed at 9 and I had to get them that day itself.

As I was waiting at the bus stop and was approached by an old lady in her late 60s. She had lost her way. She had come from Kalyan and wanted to go to Rambaug nagar near powai lake. The lady looked poor but was definitely not a beggar. Her saree was clean. She was wearing a maharashtrain type saree and looked almost in tears. I did not know where Rambaug was. She had come by bus and had got off at the wrong stop. I asked her if she had the exact address. She did not. The only thing she knew that the house was opposite the lake and had some tall buildings close to it. She did not have anyone's phone no. I asked a couple of people at the bus stop but nobody knew exactly where she wanted to go.

We crossed the road and asked a shop owner. He told us that there was such a colony near the lake but in the opposite direction. I thought that I shall get an auto for her and tell the driver the directions and ask her to go alone. But we waited for nearly 15 minutes without an empty auto in sight. Then she asked me if any buses go to Vijaynagari. Her daughter stayed there in a police colony and if we were not sure about Rambaugh, she would go to Vijaynagari. I did not know which Vijaynagari she was referring to. I knew 2 of them. I asked her if she had anybodys contact no at all. She dug into her small purse and gave me her son's telephone no. I tried calling it, but no one was answered. She was very worried and in tears. It was getting dark and I did not want to leave her alone. I thought of my nani and how I would have expected strangers to help her if unfortunately she was ever in such a situation. I was very angry at her family for allowing her to travel such a long distance alone and without even the proper address.

With no auto in sight, we went to a traffic police booth. I thought I shall tell them to drop her at her location.Luckily there were 3 policemen inside. I told them the story. They confirmed that there is a rambaugh at Powai lake. One of them came out and found an auto for us. I expected them to help her. But he did not seem to be going alongwith her. I sat with the old lady and drove to rambaug. By this time I was slightly irritated. And to make matters worse, I had only 70 bucks with me because the ATM was not working in the morning. I desperately wanted to get the photos.

When we were on the way to Rambaug, she seemed to recognise the place and said that she had failed to recognise the place earlier because of a flyover being constructed there. We asked people around and they confirm that it was rambaug area. We got off. I paid the autowalla. It was only Rs12 but I also needed money to go back home. Bus was out of the question now since it was late and I would've had to go by auto.I asked her if this was the right place. She did not seem so sure again. She then said to me 'I think I should go to Vijaynagari' . hearing this I was angry and said that I cant take her to Vijaynagari since I had to go to Goregaon. She immediately walked away towards the houses and asked a couple of people on the way for the person whom she wanted to meet. I had this urge to run behind her and help her locate the house. But for some reason I did not (maybe because it was getting late and I thought that she was in the proximity, she shall be able to find the house on her own).

I sat in the same auto an drove to Goregaon. But I could not get her thoughts out of my mind. All the time I was wondering whether she found the place and I regretted that I had not stayed back to help her. What if she was robbed/met with an accident? I mean, she needed help while crossing the road in daylight. And I had left her to fend for herself in the dark. I was feeling very sorry. As soon as I reached home, I called on her son's cell no which she had given. Thankfully her daughter-in-law picked up this time. I told her the story and asked her to find out whether she had reached the place. She too sounded worried and said that she shall call me back. I called her again a couple of times, the last call was after 11 pm and she still had not reached the right place.

By now I was worried and was feeling extremely bad about leaving her alone. What if I had waited with her for a few more minutes... I would've located the place. If not, I could have dropped her at Vijaynagari. At least she sounded confident about that place. All the time for some reason I put my nani in her place. I somehow managed to sleep through the night. I called the number a couple of times in the morning but without any response. I went to office and called around 9. This time her son answered and said that she had reached safely. She could not locate the place in Powai and had gone to her daughters house in Vijaynagari. I breathed a sigh of relief....

Well, I guess alls well that ends well I guess.....I hope no body ever lets their old parents travel alone. It can get quite scary for them.... Later I put myself in her situation...what if I was in a foreign country and lost my papers/baggage and did not have any idea where to go and what I was supposed to go...

BTW, while crossing the road yesterday night, I almost got knocked down by Vikram Bhatt's car...

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HP Pics

Could not resist putting this snap....

The source of the Beas river????

Below, the majestic Himalayas.... and the road leading to Rohtang

Gushaini...lovely village in a very remote location of HP...drank actual mineral water here...unfiltered and totally unadulterated...water never tasted better....

Lovely place in the heart of Manali. If is was not for the monkeys, I wouldve spent the entire day here....

We river rafted in this water and later had a fab lunch at this location....

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Himachal Pradesh

And I'm back from an amazing trip to Himachal. HP is a land of good looking guys and beautiful women. The trip did not begin on a good note as our train was cancelled and we had to book last minute flight tickets. Our budget went for a toss. But the trip was awesome. I did a couple of things which I wanted to do before I die. I river rafted and I did paragliding and I walked and walked and walked and took some really nice pictures.

The weather was just perfect and I just could not get enough of the mountains. We discovered the pleasure of drinking actual mineral water. water never tasted better. We sat by the Tirthan river near Gushaini - a very remote village with not a soul in sight for miles together. The only sound was that of the river with its pristine and clear icy water rushing past us. It was as if time had just stopped. On our way down from Rohtang, we saw a lone vulture in its full splendour sitting on a rock. Too bad we could not take its snap. The drive from Naggar to Manali was the most picturesque that I have ever seen. I did not know that there exist so many shades of green.

The life there was so peaceful. In the one week that we were there, I did not witness a single fight or frowing faces. Wish I had stayed there another week just so that I could go for walk by the Beas or cycle along the innumerable apple orchards on the way to Naggar.....

Its so depressing to go back to office again. Wish I could stay there forever.....

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Sometimes

Sometimes I wonder
What you did with the gifts I gave you,
Those cards that I had so lovingly made,
Those letters that were a part of me,
Those messages that I'd sent you,
Those notes which had my tears,
Those songs which conveyed feelings which I could have never put in words,
Those memories which just don't seem to leave me...
Did you throw all these away, or did you burn them,
Or like me did you hide them away where they can be conveniently found again?
Yes, sometime I wonder where you have stored those bits and pieces,
Bits and pieces of my life which were never really yours...

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Fall in Love again

Ive been going through a number of blogs during the last few days and the one thing Ive noticed is that there are so many people who have broken up with their BFs/GFs. Their blogs express the same feelings of lonliness, sadness and bitterness that I'm going through. Life as a single person is good in the sense that I'm not answerable to anyone and can take my own independent decisions, can travel, study, go for a walk or on a trip without second thought. I mean I'm always free to do whatever I want. When my committed/married friends envy me for this reason, I feel that I'm lucky in a way.

But when I see couples walking hand in hand, cuddling together, giving each other those secret looks and smilies that convey so many things which words can never convey, I miss having that special person around. Miss him when I want to share silly mundane things that happen in daily life like how my boss praised me on my well drafted letters and how I'm considered to be an expert in my office software,how beautiful it feels when I sit on a bench in Aarey milk colony waiting for a bus, how I wish I could just get off the bus and walk to the hamlet in the middle of the jungle, how lovely the lone gulmohur tree looks in full bloom in a small municipality school compound, how they could beautify the Powai lake, how cute children look when they are all dressed up in school uniform and are nervous about the maths paper that they have to write....

How I miss those days when I could pick up the phone and speak to him about these things....seemingly small things but sometimes you cant tell these to your friends however close they are...

I want to fall in love all over again and give everything that I have unconditionally to him again...

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Jaipur Blasts

So the dimwits are at it again. This time targeted a peaceful city like Jaipur. Which shall be next? Why do people do this? What pleasure do they get in killing innocent people especially children?

I'm not an expert on religion but one thing I know for sure that no religion in the world ever preaches to kill people just because they do not believe in your religion. And if all these killings are just for a piece of some other country's land/state, one question that comes to mind is that how much land does a person require to live? Just so that we can claim that a certain part of the earth belongs to us, we go around killing people?

I was watching an interview on Times Now a couple of days ago. There was this gentleman Mr. Sajjad Lone who said that the killings in Jaipur were related to the Kashmir issue. Does that justify killings? He said that all this was happening because of human rights violation in J&K. What human rights violations? When terrorists kill innocent villagers on the border, is that not human rights violation? when innocent Kashmiri Pandits were driven out of their homes in the middle of the night, was that not human rights violation?

He said that the people of Kashmir want independence. From whom? Te army is there because of the infiltrators. We are not too happy about the fact that our army men are posted there in extreme climates far away from their homes just to protect them. He claims that Kashmiris want independence. But can it survive on its own? Or it wants to be with Pakistan who is ruled by a dictator? Why cant people be practical? This person is living in India and speaking against the country and its constitution. Why are we even tolerating him? Why is he still in the country? Strange....

And does all this justify the killing of people in Jaipur? Get real guys. What with global warming, destroying of forests, melting of glaciers and the general mess that we have done with the planet, people are anyways going to die of earthquakes, tsunamis, floods etc. In addition to this, why go around killing people in the name of religion/country?

How can these people sleep peacefully at night after seeing images of a 4 year old child who is hurt in the blasts and is crying for her mother but dies not know that she shall never see her again because shes dead in the same blasts?

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Things I want to do Before I Die

I had this pain in my right knee since the last 2 months or so, and as usual I did not go to the doctor thinking that I'm totally fit and it shall subside. The pain aggravated this week and finally yesterday I went for a checkup. The verdict: I may have arthritis. Arthritis? Me? But I'm still very young for it. OK, I do say often that I'm old and I cant do many things which I may have done a few years ago but I'm definitely too young for arthritis. I mean it happens to people in their 50s. Even the doc was a little shocked. He has given me medicines for three days and said that if the pain still dose'nt subside, I shall have to have an X ray done. I just hope that its not arthritis but just some minor problem due to the tennis that Ive been playing for the last 3 months or so. I had forgotten to mention this to him.

But this got me thinking. Ive just been taking life for granted thinking that I've still got a lot of time on my hands to do whatever I wanted to do in life. And in the bargain Ive forgotten that my body is getting older. And there are so many things that I haven't done but want to. It was a moment when I actually thought that even though I say that I dont mind dying now since life has not been that great and not maany will be effected if I die, but there are still many things which I actually have'nt done and wold like to do. So here is the list of things which I want to do before I die.

1. Travel. Travel to Europe especially Ireland, travel to all the states in North East India. Visit Andamans again and again and again.

2. Do bungee jumping,white water rafting and paragliding ( that's the closest you can get to actually flying), snookering in the pristine waters of andaman again.

3. Go for long walks in Rishikesh alone just like I went last year.

4. Visit Panchgani in the rains and go cycling till Pratapgarh. Stay there in a cute Parsi bungalow.

5. Go on a solo trip to Uttaranchal especially the Valley of Flowers.And this time when I go there, try to have a conversation with the sadhus there.

6. Go for a party with friends and dance without any inhibitions on the dance floor. (I'm a terrible dancer and most of the times I'm extremely shy to dance).

7. Buy a fancy car. Not for me but my mom would love it if I take her on long drive in my own car.

8. Send my parents on a trip abroad.

9. Join a salsa class, a photography class, learn swimming

And most important of the lot:

10. Beat the shit out of child abusers and rapists.

11. Join an organisation working for street children and try to bring childhood back to the life of at least one child.

12. Adopt a daughter.

13. Say how much I love my parents even though Ive been a terrible daughter and how much I am indebted to them for tolerating me and standing by me when I needed them.

14. A big thank you to my friends who have stood by me during the most testing period of my life. Thank you is too small a word for whatever they have done for me. But if it was not for them I would have been writing this today. So thank you Vidya and Amita and Sanjay and Jatin. Especially Vidya. You have been a rock.

15. Say sorry to someone for all the nasty things I have ever said to him. Trust me, Im not all that bad.

I hope I can manage to do all these things else when I'm actually old/when my body no longer is capable of doing this, I shall regret not having done it when I could've done it.

But most of this requires lots (quite a bit) of money for which I have to go to office, which leaves me no time to even think of ll this. And it all becomes embroiled in a vicious circle....

I wonder what others want to do before they die....

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Love and Hate

I don't love you.
No, I don't.
In fact I hate you.
Hate you for everything that you did.
Hate you for those tears, those sleepless nights,
those days spent waiting for your calls which never came,
Those lies, those tears, the anger, the bitterness.
yes I am sure I hate you.
Then why do I still remember you,
Your smile, your laugh, your ability to make me laugh,
Your innocence, your shyness, your calmness,
Your call, your messages,
The feel of your hands when you held them against mine,
The idle chatter through the nights,
The fights, the making up,
your singing, your apprehensions,
Your shaayari especially composed for me,
The phone calls, the missed calls,
The sea, the lakes, the movies,
All those memories,
Why do I see you everywhere?
Yes, I hate you. I hate you.
But do I also love you?

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Me, A Coward

This incident has been haunting me for more than a month now.

I was in a bus going home from work and generally lost in my own thoughts. As it was quite late, the bus was not crowded. Suddenly I heard someone groaning very loudly. First I thought it something had fallen and did not pay attention to it. But when I turned around, I saw that a man in his 50s was unconscious. He was sitting on a seat and a young chap next to him was trying to revive him. some 4-5 people were trying to help him. Someone was rubbing his chest, others were rubbing his feet etc. Nobody could make out whether he was breathing or not. The bus was in a forest area and could not stop at a hospital/clinic.

I had a bottle of water in my bag and I had this urge to go and splash water on his face or offer it to him to drink. Maybe that would've helped him.

But I did not get up. For some reason, I just sat there and watched all this. I don't think anybody else had any water with them. Else someone would've surely have offered it to him.

I just sat there and after my stop came, I got off the bus. before getting off, I looked behind and the man was sill unconscious. Maybe he was taken to the doctor later. maybe he was OK and nothing serious happened to him.

But what if he was dead? What if he would've been alright if I had offered water to him? Why didn't I just get up and splash some on his face to revive him? It would not have cost me anything. Then why? usually I am quite helpful even to strangers. then why didn't I do it then? am I really a coward but pretend to be otherwise? What if it was one of my family members instead of the man travelling on the bus alone and no one came to his/her help if god forbid something like this ever happened to them?

I just cant seem to shake of this guilt feeling.

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Laughter and Tears

This is what you've made of me-----

Never happy never sad,
No feelings no emotions,
No jealousy, no curiosity,
No laughter, no tears.
Just anger and a lot of bitterness...
Towards you, towards life.
Once upon a time,
Life was not so great,
But me, I was happy,
That's what you always said' you smile and laugh too much'
You never wanted me to be happy did you?
You would be proud of yourself now,
To see what you've made of a 'Bombay girl' like me...
Who neither laughs nor cries....neither for you and nor for anybody else too...

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Leave me alone

Why cant people just leave me alone to lead my life peacefully on my own terms. I know that they are worried about me and want me to be happy. But do they even know what I really want? Or for that matter do I myself know what I want? I just want to go away somewhere and never come back. I know that I sound like a loser when I say this. It is very easy to say that you should always face your problems and try to solve them rather than running away. But that is what I want to do now. I want to be away from everybody. I family, my friends, my job, everything.

Last week I was so happy that I am going on a vacation to Manali in June. Now I feel that I should go on those mountains and never come back. It shall be even better if no one knows where I am. I have become a loner. I hate having people around me, speaking to me, questioning me, telling me whats good for me and whats not, how to lead my life. And I hate it even more when I know that this is not the person that I was.... will I ever be the same again...

This song is fit for my state of mind...

aaina mujse meri paheli si surat mange

mere apne meri hone ki nishani maange

aaina mujse mari paheli si surat mange

mein bhatakata hi raha dard ke viraane mein

wakt likhta raha chere pe har pal ka hishab

meri shohrat meri diwangi ki nazar hui

pi gayi may ki botlein meri geeto ki kitab

aaj lauta hoon to hasne ki ada bhool gaya

yeh sahar bhoola muje mein bhi ishe bhool gaya

mere apne meri hone ki nishani mange

aaina mujse meri paheli surat mange

mera fan phir muje bazaar mein le aaya hai

yeh vo jagah ke jahan mero vafa bikate hain

baap bikate hain aur lakhte jigar bikate hain

kookh bikati hain dil bikate hain sar bikate hain

is badalti hui duniya ka khuda koi nahin

saste daamo pe yahan roz khuda bikate hain

har kharidaar ko bazaar mein bikataa paya

hum kya paayenge kisi ne yahaan kya paayaa

mere ahesas mere phool kahin aur chale

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